Do you notice me? Do you see me?
This is a core question for so many people; especially women. I have been thinking about this SO much lately. I sit in four walls for 95% of my days and long for someone to recognize what I am doing. Whether it be attempting to comprehend a scientific process in school, wrangling three boys to the table for dinner, or studying in the confines of a bedroom... I so often find myself walking the halls of school or home and wondering if someone will see how I am balancing home and job and school and life. After nineteen years of living, why do I still strive for someone to notice me??
I've said it countless times on this blog, and if you've spent any amount of time with me lately, you've most likely heard me say it: God has allowed tremendous amounts of growth to take place in my heart over the past year and a half. He has (and continues to) strip me of pride and selfishness, replacing it with a profound love for His heart and His people.
But I am human. I am full of ugly sin, and daily fight for righteousness and the pursuit of holiness.
So here's a little raw piece of Alyssa:
As space has opened up in my life to read, study, write, and create... there are still days when I find myself not doing it for Jesus. I find that I'm doing it for you. Because I want you to notice me. I want my "stats" to rise. I want you to laugh at status updates, and leave comments of encouragement.
And on days when I realize this, I don't write. Because I want my words to be from a place of humility and the desire to bring Jesus glory. The striving for attention holds me back. It keeps me from who I am meant to be in Christ. It keeps me from completely surrendering control and wholly following Him. It keeps me from walking in freedom.
Freedom comes from intentionally following Jesus, pursuing His heart and loving His truth.
I've moved from the stronghold of fear to a place of recognition and desired abandonment of control. There are so many who know who I am intended to be, yet work hard to keep from becoming that. My eyes are so easily moved inward at SELF. How I pray that the Lord will continue to move, shove, and shake my vision upward.
So that I can read and remember. So that I can continue to write as an expression of worship and create as an expression of joy. I want every move I make to be intentional, purposeful, and to be made for Him.
Beautiful God,
You are moving and shaking in me. I so easily creep back into life, into fears, into fleshly desires. I neglect to sit, process, and thank You for what You are doing in my life. You created and cleared a space in my head and in my heart, yet I am so quick to attempt to fill it up with the flesh. Oh, the temptation to sit in other's lives and not mine. Clear these temptations, Father. Make space. Give me the discipline and focus to clear times and areas for me to sit with You... again and again. Bring clarity. Bring memory. Like glue on my brain, let Your Words stick. Wake me in the morning, pursue me in the afternoon.
Move in me, Jesus.
I love you.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Not Just any Branch.
Today, I was walking on campus, hurriedly going to my next class. There were throngs of people in every direction, and the air seemed to be extra cold. As I turned the corner, I saw a gigantic portion of a huge oak tree that had crashed down in one of the common areas... I saw it from far away, and even from my position, I could see that it must have been a massive crash.
After my theatre class, I walked over to check it out, and to be honest? It was amazing. The inside of the section of the tree that had fallen was basically completely hollow. The massive section of branches had fallen down because it had "separated" from the central part of the tree. (I did not gather this on my own. There was a geology major standing next to me, so I asked him how it happened!!)
For some reason, I have thought about that tree all afternoon. It was seriously one of the coolest things I've ever seen. I so wish I had taken a picture. If it is still there tomorrow, that is exactly what I will be doing!
I don't want to be like this portion of the tree. At all. Hollow in my faith, and beaten down by the world. The branches fell over because they were no longer being fed and strengthened by the roots. You could see all the lines and areas where water had seeped in over time and weakened the tree.
I don't know how many times I've walked right in the middle of that area this semester. How many times I've literally been sitting right UNDER that tree. How many times I've watched countless study sessions happening right under the section of branches that fell. Never in my wildest imagination did I think any part of this old oak tree might fall down. It looked solid... and safe.
How often am I like this? Putting on a good show? Trying hard to make it look like everything is good and together? When really, the rain is seeping in. Tunnels are being created that are weakening my connection to the main tree... to the vine. When I feel like I'm going to break off and crash.
A year ago the answer would been ALL.THE.TIME. My life was characterized by the "good show" I was putting on for the masses. But really? My life needed major help.
So God decided to strategically place some strong branches in my life to slowly feed and bring nourishment. Sometimes it was my favorite neighbor just down the street, a phone call from a mom, or a sweet facebook message from a friend. But most often it was the sweet words of Isaiah or Ruth, Daniel or David.
... and I'm so SO thankful He did.
Today, and every day, I want to be a branch. But not just any branch. I want to be a solid branch. But solidarity doesn't come from just a few feeble attempts at prayer or the study of His Word. I must keep asking, keep seeking, and keep knocking... with the full belief that He is there. He is listening, creating a strength that is unshakeable and unbreakable.
Oh, how I love the lessons that Jesus chooses to teach through something as simple as a fallen tree.
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me." ~Jesus, in John 15:4
Thankful for the Vine who gives me life, and the strong branches He chooses to place on my tree :)
~Lyss
After my theatre class, I walked over to check it out, and to be honest? It was amazing. The inside of the section of the tree that had fallen was basically completely hollow. The massive section of branches had fallen down because it had "separated" from the central part of the tree. (I did not gather this on my own. There was a geology major standing next to me, so I asked him how it happened!!)
For some reason, I have thought about that tree all afternoon. It was seriously one of the coolest things I've ever seen. I so wish I had taken a picture. If it is still there tomorrow, that is exactly what I will be doing!
I don't want to be like this portion of the tree. At all. Hollow in my faith, and beaten down by the world. The branches fell over because they were no longer being fed and strengthened by the roots. You could see all the lines and areas where water had seeped in over time and weakened the tree.
I don't know how many times I've walked right in the middle of that area this semester. How many times I've literally been sitting right UNDER that tree. How many times I've watched countless study sessions happening right under the section of branches that fell. Never in my wildest imagination did I think any part of this old oak tree might fall down. It looked solid... and safe.
How often am I like this? Putting on a good show? Trying hard to make it look like everything is good and together? When really, the rain is seeping in. Tunnels are being created that are weakening my connection to the main tree... to the vine. When I feel like I'm going to break off and crash.
A year ago the answer would been ALL.THE.TIME. My life was characterized by the "good show" I was putting on for the masses. But really? My life needed major help.
So God decided to strategically place some strong branches in my life to slowly feed and bring nourishment. Sometimes it was my favorite neighbor just down the street, a phone call from a mom, or a sweet facebook message from a friend. But most often it was the sweet words of Isaiah or Ruth, Daniel or David.
... and I'm so SO thankful He did.
Today, and every day, I want to be a branch. But not just any branch. I want to be a solid branch. But solidarity doesn't come from just a few feeble attempts at prayer or the study of His Word. I must keep asking, keep seeking, and keep knocking... with the full belief that He is there. He is listening, creating a strength that is unshakeable and unbreakable.
Oh, how I love the lessons that Jesus chooses to teach through something as simple as a fallen tree.
"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me." ~Jesus, in John 15:4
Thankful for the Vine who gives me life, and the strong branches He chooses to place on my tree :)
~Lyss
Monday, November 21, 2011
Gratitude Challenge: Day Twenty-One
I was watching I Love Lucy last night. Oh, how I love that show. I was watching one of the very first episodes where Lucy and Ethel are convinced their hubbies are about to be drafted... so they start knitting them going away presents. Hilarious... and so so sweet!
I sometimes get in "old movie" mode, where I just want to watch the classics. Most often they include I Love Lucy (or The Brady Bunch) re-runs and a pile of my favorite Hershey's kisses (the peppermint ones that come out at Christmas time. Oh YUM!). However, no I Love Lucy marathon would be complete without a nod to Ethel, the fictitious Lucy's closest friend, dearest confidant, and greatest accomplice.
That's what I'm thankful for today: Best Friends.
Lucy and Ethel, Scarlet and Melanie, Lorelai and Sookie, Peyton and Brooke, Thelma and Louise, Ruth and Naomi... and more recently, Aibileene and Minny. Women who were stronger, wiser, and loved deeply due to one common denominator~ her best friend. One of my favorite verses of devotion in the Old Testament isn't spoken between a man and woman in love, it's spoken between women. Ruth doesn't pledge to follow Boaz, make his people and God hers; she promises this to Naomi, her destitute mother-in-law who is throwing verbal rocks at her, trying to get Ruth to abandon her (Ruth 1:16). But Ruth stays.
Women stay, for the sake of each other. And I'm so thankful for that. Melanie opens her home and heart to Scarlett, despite her continually throwing herself at Melanie’s husband. Sookie is consistently patient with Lorelai's dramatic temperament and irrational thoughts. Brooke keeps coming back to sit and cry with Peyton, in spite of harsh words and gossip. Thelma and Louise have their fateful cliff. Aibileene and Minny together motivate an entire community of women to share their stories.
I absolutely believe that God places best friends in our lives for a beautiful purpose. Do we need friends? Perhaps not. After all, there are dozens and dozens of songs, poems, and verses about needing the love of Christ alone. He is all we truly need. However, He chooses to give us friends. Because He LOVES us. Pretty amazing.
I am so thankful for these friends. The friends that will literally force you to eat when you don't think you have the strength anymore. The friend that always, always comes back after a disagreement and tells you how much she loves you. The friend that knows the decision you'll make before you even make it. The friend that calls you forward into the person you were created to be, and speaks truth over the heart that God has so perfectly molded and formed.
In the first chapter of Luke, tucked neatly away into the nativity narrative, is a small passage I seemed to have overlooked each year when I read the Christmas story. Well, this year was different. (*side note* I realize it's November 21st. I get excited for Christmas in October. It's a miracle I waited this long to read it!) I was pouring over the miracle of Jesus' birth, there's a beautiful seven verses in which Mary leaves her home, supernaturally pregnant with Jesus, and visits her cousin, Elizabeth.
"At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
God's Word doesn't illuminate Mary's emotional state during this visit, but she is a teenage girl. Engaged yet unwed. Pregnant, yet still a virgin. Great though her faith must have been, I doubt that she was as carefree on the road to Elizabeth's as she likely was during visits prior to the angel's visit.
Mary's song, a few verses later, is, to me, one of the most beautiful in Scripture.
"And Mary said:
'My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior,
for He has been mindful
of the humble state of His servant.
From ow on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me-
holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped His servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as He promises our ancestors.'"
Beautiful, right? However, I find it interesting that Mary does not break into song immediately after the angel's announcement that she is soon to be the mother of the Messiah. No. Instead, Mary, without Joseph or her parents, hurriedly travels to her cousin, Elizabeth. Elizabeth is also miraculously expecting a baby. And like Mary, Elizabeth is experiencing a type of isolation born from her pregnancy; her husband has been struck mute for his disbelief, and will not speak again until after the child is born.
The instant these women are in sight of each other, their very presence encourages the other. Elizabeth is filled with the Holy Spirit when Mary calls out to greet her, and the baby within Elizabeth's womb leaps. I LOVE that moment. Her delight with Mary pours forth in her greeting, as Elizabeth loudly proclaims truth over her, calling Mary "the mother of my Lord" and saying, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear" (Luke 1:42, 43). And it is when she ends with, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her," that Mary is able to praise her Lord for His promises to her. Perhaps up until that point, this promise seemed like a burden. I mean seriously, her fiance had intended to divorce her quietly and she was likely the recipient of public ridicule. But with Elizabeth's Holy Spirit driven words, Mary is able, in spite of and because of her circumstances, to "glorify the Lord" and "rejoice in [her] Savior."
God used another woman. Not her parents, not Joseph, not even another angel, to give the Messiah's mother a posture of praise. It is the relationship between these two women, grounded in their faith and infused with the Holy Spirit, that washes away loneliness and fear away with truth. This friendship takes each woman where she is, and points her ever closer to the Father, moves her to a place where she can see above her current circumstances to the perfect provision and abounding grace of God. This is the kind of friendship that illuminates God's fingerprints on our lives. It highlights His promises and awakens our hearts to His work within and around us. It is the model of friendship that we each so desperately need to follow; that we are called to.
Today, I am thankful for best friends that follow this model that God was so gracious to place before us.
Praying that you may have and delight in such a friend. and also that you and I would be this friend to others.
You are deeply loved,
Lyss :)
I sometimes get in "old movie" mode, where I just want to watch the classics. Most often they include I Love Lucy (or The Brady Bunch) re-runs and a pile of my favorite Hershey's kisses (the peppermint ones that come out at Christmas time. Oh YUM!). However, no I Love Lucy marathon would be complete without a nod to Ethel, the fictitious Lucy's closest friend, dearest confidant, and greatest accomplice.
That's what I'm thankful for today: Best Friends.
Lucy and Ethel, Scarlet and Melanie, Lorelai and Sookie, Peyton and Brooke, Thelma and Louise, Ruth and Naomi... and more recently, Aibileene and Minny. Women who were stronger, wiser, and loved deeply due to one common denominator~ her best friend. One of my favorite verses of devotion in the Old Testament isn't spoken between a man and woman in love, it's spoken between women. Ruth doesn't pledge to follow Boaz, make his people and God hers; she promises this to Naomi, her destitute mother-in-law who is throwing verbal rocks at her, trying to get Ruth to abandon her (Ruth 1:16). But Ruth stays.
Women stay, for the sake of each other. And I'm so thankful for that. Melanie opens her home and heart to Scarlett, despite her continually throwing herself at Melanie’s husband. Sookie is consistently patient with Lorelai's dramatic temperament and irrational thoughts. Brooke keeps coming back to sit and cry with Peyton, in spite of harsh words and gossip. Thelma and Louise have their fateful cliff. Aibileene and Minny together motivate an entire community of women to share their stories.
I absolutely believe that God places best friends in our lives for a beautiful purpose. Do we need friends? Perhaps not. After all, there are dozens and dozens of songs, poems, and verses about needing the love of Christ alone. He is all we truly need. However, He chooses to give us friends. Because He LOVES us. Pretty amazing.
I am so thankful for these friends. The friends that will literally force you to eat when you don't think you have the strength anymore. The friend that always, always comes back after a disagreement and tells you how much she loves you. The friend that knows the decision you'll make before you even make it. The friend that calls you forward into the person you were created to be, and speaks truth over the heart that God has so perfectly molded and formed.
In the first chapter of Luke, tucked neatly away into the nativity narrative, is a small passage I seemed to have overlooked each year when I read the Christmas story. Well, this year was different. (*side note* I realize it's November 21st. I get excited for Christmas in October. It's a miracle I waited this long to read it!) I was pouring over the miracle of Jesus' birth, there's a beautiful seven verses in which Mary leaves her home, supernaturally pregnant with Jesus, and visits her cousin, Elizabeth.
"At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”
God's Word doesn't illuminate Mary's emotional state during this visit, but she is a teenage girl. Engaged yet unwed. Pregnant, yet still a virgin. Great though her faith must have been, I doubt that she was as carefree on the road to Elizabeth's as she likely was during visits prior to the angel's visit.
Mary's song, a few verses later, is, to me, one of the most beautiful in Scripture.
"And Mary said:
'My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior,
for He has been mindful
of the humble state of His servant.
From ow on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me-
holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped His servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as He promises our ancestors.'"
Beautiful, right? However, I find it interesting that Mary does not break into song immediately after the angel's announcement that she is soon to be the mother of the Messiah. No. Instead, Mary, without Joseph or her parents, hurriedly travels to her cousin, Elizabeth. Elizabeth is also miraculously expecting a baby. And like Mary, Elizabeth is experiencing a type of isolation born from her pregnancy; her husband has been struck mute for his disbelief, and will not speak again until after the child is born.
The instant these women are in sight of each other, their very presence encourages the other. Elizabeth is filled with the Holy Spirit when Mary calls out to greet her, and the baby within Elizabeth's womb leaps. I LOVE that moment. Her delight with Mary pours forth in her greeting, as Elizabeth loudly proclaims truth over her, calling Mary "the mother of my Lord" and saying, "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear" (Luke 1:42, 43). And it is when she ends with, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her," that Mary is able to praise her Lord for His promises to her. Perhaps up until that point, this promise seemed like a burden. I mean seriously, her fiance had intended to divorce her quietly and she was likely the recipient of public ridicule. But with Elizabeth's Holy Spirit driven words, Mary is able, in spite of and because of her circumstances, to "glorify the Lord" and "rejoice in [her] Savior."
God used another woman. Not her parents, not Joseph, not even another angel, to give the Messiah's mother a posture of praise. It is the relationship between these two women, grounded in their faith and infused with the Holy Spirit, that washes away loneliness and fear away with truth. This friendship takes each woman where she is, and points her ever closer to the Father, moves her to a place where she can see above her current circumstances to the perfect provision and abounding grace of God. This is the kind of friendship that illuminates God's fingerprints on our lives. It highlights His promises and awakens our hearts to His work within and around us. It is the model of friendship that we each so desperately need to follow; that we are called to.
Today, I am thankful for best friends that follow this model that God was so gracious to place before us.
Praying that you may have and delight in such a friend. and also that you and I would be this friend to others.
You are deeply loved,
Lyss :)
Friday, November 18, 2011
Gratitude Challenge: Day Eighteen.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1
Man, oh man. Where do I even begin today??? So much to be thankful for. So much change just around the bend.
I'm not sure how I'm going to effectively convey my thoughts and my heart... so I'm simply asking God to guide my hands as I type.
First, I'll give you the plan for right now :) Then I'll give you a peek as to the hearts that are behind it.
I'm finishing up a semester at Sac State right now. I'm currently a nursing major. In three and a half short weeks, I won't be at Sac State anymore, and I won't be a nursing major anymore. To take it a step further, I'm not going to school at all anymore. I'm moving back home to Redding, pursuing a full time job, and various other activities that I'm SO excited to have the time to do. They include: volunteering in the Stirring kids and speaking into the lives of His little children that He loves so so much, getting to know God's people (and I mean REALLY know them, not just names) more deeply and fully in an atmosphere of community, discipling and being discipled, learning to cook and sew, preparing for my sweet friend's wedding, and being able to love without boundaries and restraints. After my beautiful friend gets married in June, my heart's desire is to move to Southern California in late summer. Similar to the set up in Redding, I would love to pursue a full time job and be actively involved in Grace Community Church in Sun Valley. My heart is passionate about seeing His sons and daughters freed from captivity, specifically in the area of human trafficking. There are countless opportunities to serve in this area, and I'm so excited for what God might have.
However, other than the plan to move home to Redding in three weeks, none of this is set in stone :) I am so so open to the plan God has for me, and I am standing with arms high and heart abandoned... asking Him to have His will with me. In every area of my life.
NOW... to the hearts behind it :)
First up, my heart! But, before I share, I'd like you to know that I value your thoughts :) If you have concerns, express them. If you have encouragement, share it. If you have wisdom, I'd love to listen. I SO SO appreciate them. I don't take them lightly AT ALL. I sit with them, mull them over, take them to Jesus. So feel free. And know that I love you.
First of all, I have heard from the time I was very small that I WAS going to college, because it was important to have something to fall back on. It was a mantra I heard growing up. And here's the thing: I KNOW there is danger and opportunity for insecurity in not going to school. I did not make this decision based off of emotion, or what would be the most "fun." I didn't decide to cease going to school because it was "too hard." I absolutely could've pushed through, I could've continued to fight and struggle through... and I would've become a nurse. There's no doubt in my mind.
BUT. Friends. Honestly? My heart has never been in it. Ever. There were absolutely moments and days that I loved, like a beautiful trip to Mexico and hilarious lab times with sweet friends. But at the root of going to school was the desire to please man. From day one. And if I continue to live my life in an effort to please man, I will be miserable. My deepest desire is to please Jesus, and know that His plan for me will be perfect. I am a person that craves control. It was the ONE thing in my life that I felt I could grasp and work toward for praise and encouragement. As long as I could bring home an "A" or even a "B" on an exam, I had accomplished something worthy. It was the one thing I felt like I was doing right.
I am seeing more and more that this next season is truly a complete abandonment of all control, allowing God to work in and through the unknowns. Someone said to me once, "I think it's unbiblical for women to go to college." Ridiculous, in my opinion. However, I would say that it's just as ridiculous to say that it's unbiblical for women NOT to go to college. I completely believe that sometimes He calls His daughters to not be students. And I believe, after much prayer and counsel, that I'm one of them.
There were so many positives to going to college for a year and a half. SO SO many. I met one of my best friends my first year of college. She walked with me through so much healing and restoration and spoke hope and truth over my life in such a special, beautiful way. I met a family whose home is, in many ways, my second home. It's a place of complete safety and love. I connected deeply with a sweet friend who was searching for the heart of God, and simply needed someone to walk alongside. I learned valuable organizational and time management skills. I took a trip to Mexico that taught me lessons in humility, submission, and gratitude. I worked through disappointments and suffering, and lived with tremendous joy and passion. I put feet to my faith, and struggled with not being in a Christ-fearing home. I learned what it meant to have a posture of grace and humility. I was loved.
... No part about going to college these eighteen months has been a mistake. God's hand was in every single bit of it.
And His hand is in this next season, too. Being in school absolutely constricted and suffocated the desires in my heart to serve and connect and DO. I just couldn't do it. My heart is so filled with joy at the freedom that He has given me to go and do great things in His name apart from school. So many ideas and thoughts swirling around in my head as to what He might have for me these next few years... in order to prepare me to be a wife and a mom, one of my heart's most deep rooted desires. I am not being naive as to the probable difficulty in the desire to stay at home and be a mom. I'm SO not. I KNOW it will be difficult. I know it could be days, weeks, months, or years before He chooses to bless me with a man to love and walk life with. But I also know that He's placed those desires on my heart for a reason, and He's going to fulfill them in the best way possible. He's a faithful, faithful God. And I trust Him.
Now, the other heart that is so so involved in this decision: my sweet sweet Savior's heart.
Jesus has been teaching me some tough lessons about safety lately. Lessons that led to a decision to stop going to school!
I sat across the table of my dear, sweet friend a couple weeks ago. I heard myself saying, "I'm beginning to wonder if the idea of basing my whole life on safety means that I've been missing that beautiful adventure of what God has desired for my life all along."
Seriously it was like I was speaking French. She looked back at me with this blank look in her eye.
Then she began to slowly shake her head. "I have no idea what you mean, Lyss. Safety is GOOD, isn't it?"
I sat and mulled over those words in my head for a while. Isn't it, I thought?
Well, it is if you love the American Dream.
I grew up locking doors and windows. And this is in Redding, no less. Probably one of the safest cities in California. I lived in a clean suburban neighborhood that was a great place to live, and I loved it. But... a forgotten purse on the seat in the car overnight would still be replaced with a puddle of glass to be found on the street the next morning.
I remember going on vacation to Chicago one year (oh, I have SUCH great memories of that trip), and as we drove through the hard parts of town, my parents told my brother and I never to look anyone in the eye. So we hid in the back seats, dropping as far down below the window as we could. Homeless men talking to themselves, women who sat next to their life's shopping carts at bus stops, groups of children wandering the streets alone. We didn't dare stare at anything but the dark grey carpet of the rental car until we emerged into someplace brighter. Even then, at twelve years old, my heart ached to speak Jesus to them. To let each of them know that there was hope beyond the shopping cart and lack of food.
Even still, noises in the backyard scared me in the middle of the night. In my mind, I would create masked invaders with hidden guns from what were most definitely prowling cats or the occasional naughty skunk roaming through the shrubs.
In essence, I became accustomed to being fearful. Safety became my number one goal in life.
To marry a man who would provide and take care of me financially. To find a home in a neighborhood where I could leave my doors unlocked. To watch my children grow up knowing exactly where their futures would take them. To protect my family from harm, from illness, from change, from grief. To not only have enough, but to have more than enough food, money, experiences. To create some kind of nest egg so that I would never have to be worried.
I've lived most of teenage years with these things in mind. But Jesus so graciously chose to reveal to me that safety, at least the way we as Americans define "safety" is, at its core, dangerous.
Safety means I'm imprisoned in my own idea of what is best for me and my family, instead of what my perfect God thinks is best. Safety lulls me to sleep in my own warm bed of complacency and trust, relying on my own ability to provide security. Safety blinds and numbs me to the hurts and needs of others.
Safety is dangerous.
God has not asked me to live a "safe" life. He's asked me to worship Him, rather than safety and He's asked me to fully surrender my need for security. He's asked me to be focused on bringing Him glory and furthering His kingdom rather than my own stockpiling of gates and walls and locks that might keep me safe.
Right now, that means doing things that require risk: ending the pursuit of a college education, moving to a place that's unfamiliar, and taking steps into darkness with only Him to trust.
It means making choices based on GOD'S heart and who I know HE is rather than on what is safe.
I'm still going to lock my doors when I go to sleep at night, and hold the sweet boy's hands in a parking lot...
But I'm so so ready to begin trusting God in a way that requires COMPLETE dependence on Him.
... and that's the best danger of all.
So, what am I thankful for today?
I'm thankful for change, risk, and trust.
Excited, nervous, and completely at peace :)
You are loved,
Lyss :)
"Beholding Your beauty is all I long for
To worship You Jesus with my soul's desire
For this very heart You've shaped for Your pleasure
The purpose to lift Your name high.
Hear and surrender in pure adoration
I enter Your courts with an offering of praise
I am Your servant come to bring You glory
As is fit for the work of Your hands."
Man, oh man. Where do I even begin today??? So much to be thankful for. So much change just around the bend.
I'm not sure how I'm going to effectively convey my thoughts and my heart... so I'm simply asking God to guide my hands as I type.
First, I'll give you the plan for right now :) Then I'll give you a peek as to the hearts that are behind it.
I'm finishing up a semester at Sac State right now. I'm currently a nursing major. In three and a half short weeks, I won't be at Sac State anymore, and I won't be a nursing major anymore. To take it a step further, I'm not going to school at all anymore. I'm moving back home to Redding, pursuing a full time job, and various other activities that I'm SO excited to have the time to do. They include: volunteering in the Stirring kids and speaking into the lives of His little children that He loves so so much, getting to know God's people (and I mean REALLY know them, not just names) more deeply and fully in an atmosphere of community, discipling and being discipled, learning to cook and sew, preparing for my sweet friend's wedding, and being able to love without boundaries and restraints. After my beautiful friend gets married in June, my heart's desire is to move to Southern California in late summer. Similar to the set up in Redding, I would love to pursue a full time job and be actively involved in Grace Community Church in Sun Valley. My heart is passionate about seeing His sons and daughters freed from captivity, specifically in the area of human trafficking. There are countless opportunities to serve in this area, and I'm so excited for what God might have.
However, other than the plan to move home to Redding in three weeks, none of this is set in stone :) I am so so open to the plan God has for me, and I am standing with arms high and heart abandoned... asking Him to have His will with me. In every area of my life.
NOW... to the hearts behind it :)
First up, my heart! But, before I share, I'd like you to know that I value your thoughts :) If you have concerns, express them. If you have encouragement, share it. If you have wisdom, I'd love to listen. I SO SO appreciate them. I don't take them lightly AT ALL. I sit with them, mull them over, take them to Jesus. So feel free. And know that I love you.
First of all, I have heard from the time I was very small that I WAS going to college, because it was important to have something to fall back on. It was a mantra I heard growing up. And here's the thing: I KNOW there is danger and opportunity for insecurity in not going to school. I did not make this decision based off of emotion, or what would be the most "fun." I didn't decide to cease going to school because it was "too hard." I absolutely could've pushed through, I could've continued to fight and struggle through... and I would've become a nurse. There's no doubt in my mind.
BUT. Friends. Honestly? My heart has never been in it. Ever. There were absolutely moments and days that I loved, like a beautiful trip to Mexico and hilarious lab times with sweet friends. But at the root of going to school was the desire to please man. From day one. And if I continue to live my life in an effort to please man, I will be miserable. My deepest desire is to please Jesus, and know that His plan for me will be perfect. I am a person that craves control. It was the ONE thing in my life that I felt I could grasp and work toward for praise and encouragement. As long as I could bring home an "A" or even a "B" on an exam, I had accomplished something worthy. It was the one thing I felt like I was doing right.
I am seeing more and more that this next season is truly a complete abandonment of all control, allowing God to work in and through the unknowns. Someone said to me once, "I think it's unbiblical for women to go to college." Ridiculous, in my opinion. However, I would say that it's just as ridiculous to say that it's unbiblical for women NOT to go to college. I completely believe that sometimes He calls His daughters to not be students. And I believe, after much prayer and counsel, that I'm one of them.
There were so many positives to going to college for a year and a half. SO SO many. I met one of my best friends my first year of college. She walked with me through so much healing and restoration and spoke hope and truth over my life in such a special, beautiful way. I met a family whose home is, in many ways, my second home. It's a place of complete safety and love. I connected deeply with a sweet friend who was searching for the heart of God, and simply needed someone to walk alongside. I learned valuable organizational and time management skills. I took a trip to Mexico that taught me lessons in humility, submission, and gratitude. I worked through disappointments and suffering, and lived with tremendous joy and passion. I put feet to my faith, and struggled with not being in a Christ-fearing home. I learned what it meant to have a posture of grace and humility. I was loved.
... No part about going to college these eighteen months has been a mistake. God's hand was in every single bit of it.
And His hand is in this next season, too. Being in school absolutely constricted and suffocated the desires in my heart to serve and connect and DO. I just couldn't do it. My heart is so filled with joy at the freedom that He has given me to go and do great things in His name apart from school. So many ideas and thoughts swirling around in my head as to what He might have for me these next few years... in order to prepare me to be a wife and a mom, one of my heart's most deep rooted desires. I am not being naive as to the probable difficulty in the desire to stay at home and be a mom. I'm SO not. I KNOW it will be difficult. I know it could be days, weeks, months, or years before He chooses to bless me with a man to love and walk life with. But I also know that He's placed those desires on my heart for a reason, and He's going to fulfill them in the best way possible. He's a faithful, faithful God. And I trust Him.
Now, the other heart that is so so involved in this decision: my sweet sweet Savior's heart.
Jesus has been teaching me some tough lessons about safety lately. Lessons that led to a decision to stop going to school!
I sat across the table of my dear, sweet friend a couple weeks ago. I heard myself saying, "I'm beginning to wonder if the idea of basing my whole life on safety means that I've been missing that beautiful adventure of what God has desired for my life all along."
Seriously it was like I was speaking French. She looked back at me with this blank look in her eye.
Then she began to slowly shake her head. "I have no idea what you mean, Lyss. Safety is GOOD, isn't it?"
I sat and mulled over those words in my head for a while. Isn't it, I thought?
Well, it is if you love the American Dream.
I grew up locking doors and windows. And this is in Redding, no less. Probably one of the safest cities in California. I lived in a clean suburban neighborhood that was a great place to live, and I loved it. But... a forgotten purse on the seat in the car overnight would still be replaced with a puddle of glass to be found on the street the next morning.
I remember going on vacation to Chicago one year (oh, I have SUCH great memories of that trip), and as we drove through the hard parts of town, my parents told my brother and I never to look anyone in the eye. So we hid in the back seats, dropping as far down below the window as we could. Homeless men talking to themselves, women who sat next to their life's shopping carts at bus stops, groups of children wandering the streets alone. We didn't dare stare at anything but the dark grey carpet of the rental car until we emerged into someplace brighter. Even then, at twelve years old, my heart ached to speak Jesus to them. To let each of them know that there was hope beyond the shopping cart and lack of food.
Even still, noises in the backyard scared me in the middle of the night. In my mind, I would create masked invaders with hidden guns from what were most definitely prowling cats or the occasional naughty skunk roaming through the shrubs.
In essence, I became accustomed to being fearful. Safety became my number one goal in life.
To marry a man who would provide and take care of me financially. To find a home in a neighborhood where I could leave my doors unlocked. To watch my children grow up knowing exactly where their futures would take them. To protect my family from harm, from illness, from change, from grief. To not only have enough, but to have more than enough food, money, experiences. To create some kind of nest egg so that I would never have to be worried.
I've lived most of teenage years with these things in mind. But Jesus so graciously chose to reveal to me that safety, at least the way we as Americans define "safety" is, at its core, dangerous.
Safety means I'm imprisoned in my own idea of what is best for me and my family, instead of what my perfect God thinks is best. Safety lulls me to sleep in my own warm bed of complacency and trust, relying on my own ability to provide security. Safety blinds and numbs me to the hurts and needs of others.
Safety is dangerous.
God has not asked me to live a "safe" life. He's asked me to worship Him, rather than safety and He's asked me to fully surrender my need for security. He's asked me to be focused on bringing Him glory and furthering His kingdom rather than my own stockpiling of gates and walls and locks that might keep me safe.
Right now, that means doing things that require risk: ending the pursuit of a college education, moving to a place that's unfamiliar, and taking steps into darkness with only Him to trust.
It means making choices based on GOD'S heart and who I know HE is rather than on what is safe.
I'm still going to lock my doors when I go to sleep at night, and hold the sweet boy's hands in a parking lot...
But I'm so so ready to begin trusting God in a way that requires COMPLETE dependence on Him.
... and that's the best danger of all.
So, what am I thankful for today?
I'm thankful for change, risk, and trust.
Excited, nervous, and completely at peace :)
You are loved,
Lyss :)
"Beholding Your beauty is all I long for
To worship You Jesus with my soul's desire
For this very heart You've shaped for Your pleasure
The purpose to lift Your name high.
Hear and surrender in pure adoration
I enter Your courts with an offering of praise
I am Your servant come to bring You glory
As is fit for the work of Your hands."
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Gratitude Challenge: Day Seventeen
Today, I am thankful for the goodness of God.
While I could most definitely end the post HERE, and it would be sufficient... let me expand a little bit :)
I grew up believing that blessings and healing and victory belong to those who believe. Which is such a wonderful thought. But the flipside of that belief was that failure, sickness, and suffering were signs of not believing enough .
So while I was taught to instinctively respond to "God is good" with "All the time", it was silently understood in my little heart that God's goodness is only reflected in the goodness of my own life.
God's goodness could certainly not be present in the failure, in the sickness, or in the suffering. For those, clearly, were signs of a wayward heart, a faltering faith, an unexposed sin.
Basically anything but blessing, success, and victory boiled down to not being enough.
Not praying enough.
Not believing enough.
Not claiming victory enough.
Not speaking words of faith enough.
I completely believed that the difficult and painful circumstances were never God's will for me. And if I found myself in the midst of them, then obviously I needed to change/fix/do something to get back in "right-standing" with God, so things would turn around.
I think back NOW and wonder how I processed all the beautiful stories of suffering and hurt that I read in God's Word.
You know, stories like Stephen being killed because of His faith. (Acts 6:8-8:1). And Joseph's decades of wrongful imprisonment. (Genesis 39). There's also Paul's beatings, jail sentences, and never-abating thorn in the flesh. John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, was beheaded. and I only need to mention Job.
I don't know what I did with these stories (plus countless more) that clearly flew in the face of the you-will-never-have-issues-if-you-have-enough-faith breed of Christianity that I had embraced.
Because the truth of the matter is this: There are so many things in life that I simply cannot and will not believe my way out of.
The rain falls on the just and the unjust. "Bad" things happen to God-fearing people. Jesus allows suffering.
A faith that only acknowledges the goodness of the God when things are going great isn't faith at all. It's nothing but a sandcastle mirage of the real thing.
Faith is believing that God is good even when life seems to be anything but.
Faith is believing that God is good even when my world seems to be caving in.
Even when the sickness isn't healed.
Even when the pain gets worse.
Even when there seems to be sudden loss and uncertainty.
Even when lies are spreading.
Even when I'm scared.
Even when I don't know the next step.
Faith is looking at the world spinning out of control and choosing to believe that the God of the Universe is still in control. Perfect control.
God is good. and God is Sovereign. Faith is believing both those truths at the same time.
Life is hard. We all know this. It would be unrealistic to state the opposite.
BUT STILL. God is Sovereign, and God is good.
ALL the time.
No matter what.
This is what I'm thankful for today :)
Praying today that you revel in the goodness of our amazing God, finding comfort in the perfection of His Sovereignty... no matter your circumstances.
You are loved,
Lyss :)
While I could most definitely end the post HERE, and it would be sufficient... let me expand a little bit :)
I grew up believing that blessings and healing and victory belong to those who believe. Which is such a wonderful thought. But the flipside of that belief was that failure, sickness, and suffering were signs of not believing enough .
So while I was taught to instinctively respond to "God is good" with "All the time", it was silently understood in my little heart that God's goodness is only reflected in the goodness of my own life.
God's goodness could certainly not be present in the failure, in the sickness, or in the suffering. For those, clearly, were signs of a wayward heart, a faltering faith, an unexposed sin.
Basically anything but blessing, success, and victory boiled down to not being enough.
Not praying enough.
Not believing enough.
Not claiming victory enough.
Not speaking words of faith enough.
I completely believed that the difficult and painful circumstances were never God's will for me. And if I found myself in the midst of them, then obviously I needed to change/fix/do something to get back in "right-standing" with God, so things would turn around.
I think back NOW and wonder how I processed all the beautiful stories of suffering and hurt that I read in God's Word.
You know, stories like Stephen being killed because of His faith. (Acts 6:8-8:1). And Joseph's decades of wrongful imprisonment. (Genesis 39). There's also Paul's beatings, jail sentences, and never-abating thorn in the flesh. John the Baptist, Jesus' own cousin, was beheaded. and I only need to mention Job.
I don't know what I did with these stories (plus countless more) that clearly flew in the face of the you-will-never-have-issues-if-you-have-enough-faith breed of Christianity that I had embraced.
Because the truth of the matter is this: There are so many things in life that I simply cannot and will not believe my way out of.
The rain falls on the just and the unjust. "Bad" things happen to God-fearing people. Jesus allows suffering.
A faith that only acknowledges the goodness of the God when things are going great isn't faith at all. It's nothing but a sandcastle mirage of the real thing.
Faith is believing that God is good even when life seems to be anything but.
Faith is believing that God is good even when my world seems to be caving in.
Even when the sickness isn't healed.
Even when the pain gets worse.
Even when there seems to be sudden loss and uncertainty.
Even when lies are spreading.
Even when I'm scared.
Even when I don't know the next step.
Faith is looking at the world spinning out of control and choosing to believe that the God of the Universe is still in control. Perfect control.
God is good. and God is Sovereign. Faith is believing both those truths at the same time.
Life is hard. We all know this. It would be unrealistic to state the opposite.
BUT STILL. God is Sovereign, and God is good.
ALL the time.
No matter what.
This is what I'm thankful for today :)
Praying today that you revel in the goodness of our amazing God, finding comfort in the perfection of His Sovereignty... no matter your circumstances.
You are loved,
Lyss :)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Gratitude Challenge: Day Sixteen
Today, I'm thankful for my deeper story.
The story that God has so perfectly crafted and deep rooted in Himself.
When I was in high school, the words "deeper story" would have scared and intimidated me. Deeper story? Your deeper stories might be scandalous, heartbreaking, dark and brooding. I couldn't relate with them, didn't understand them, and generally wanted to pretend they didn't exist. Back then, deeper stories highlighted the fact that I didn't think I had one.
My stories were never very deep. At least, that's what I used to think. I longed for shiny and happy, for Bible study conversation and movie nights and safe fun. When I stepped foot onto my college campus my freshman year, I ended up with a beautiful best friend who bled deep stories. I watched as hurting women seemed to flock to her to share their own. People were drawn to her brokenness. Strength is made perfect in weakness. Relationship is more compelling than admiration. I have seen the blessing that comes from bringing small cups of water to Jesus. He does miracle things with the offering, no matter how small.
Here is my deeper story, my small offering.
I have spent a lot of my life thinking it is not okay for me to have a deeper story. I thought I had to be whole, to be right, to hold myself together in order to be loved. I never thought that for each of you, however. YOUR stories of loss, heartache, insecurity, and pain just made me love you that much more. But not me. If my story sounded like your story, I would not be okay. And I spent a good portion of my school years making sure my story never sounded like your story.
I followed the rules.
I colored in the lines.
I waited on the bench.
I played it safe.
But not really. True safety only comes from a life hidden in the safe place of Christ. I was living hidden behind the shaky curtain of performance, and it was an exhausting, fake place to live.
I didn't understand that grace doesn't have corners. I didn't how that I had to ever present opportunity to rest deeply in the limitlessness of His love. The past year and a half has been spent exploring purposefully in the waters of beautiful grace given by amazing amazing God. He chose me to be a part of His kingdom. He chose me.
So today, I am thankful for my deeper story. I'm thankful that Jesus continues to give grace to the "good girl" who could never quite be good enough, the girl who knew she should be better, the girl who feared her deeper story.
The girl He loved. The girl He loves.
P.S. He loves you, too. A LOT.
Love,
Lyss :)
The story that God has so perfectly crafted and deep rooted in Himself.
When I was in high school, the words "deeper story" would have scared and intimidated me. Deeper story? Your deeper stories might be scandalous, heartbreaking, dark and brooding. I couldn't relate with them, didn't understand them, and generally wanted to pretend they didn't exist. Back then, deeper stories highlighted the fact that I didn't think I had one.
My stories were never very deep. At least, that's what I used to think. I longed for shiny and happy, for Bible study conversation and movie nights and safe fun. When I stepped foot onto my college campus my freshman year, I ended up with a beautiful best friend who bled deep stories. I watched as hurting women seemed to flock to her to share their own. People were drawn to her brokenness. Strength is made perfect in weakness. Relationship is more compelling than admiration. I have seen the blessing that comes from bringing small cups of water to Jesus. He does miracle things with the offering, no matter how small.
Here is my deeper story, my small offering.
I have spent a lot of my life thinking it is not okay for me to have a deeper story. I thought I had to be whole, to be right, to hold myself together in order to be loved. I never thought that for each of you, however. YOUR stories of loss, heartache, insecurity, and pain just made me love you that much more. But not me. If my story sounded like your story, I would not be okay. And I spent a good portion of my school years making sure my story never sounded like your story.
I followed the rules.
I colored in the lines.
I waited on the bench.
I played it safe.
But not really. True safety only comes from a life hidden in the safe place of Christ. I was living hidden behind the shaky curtain of performance, and it was an exhausting, fake place to live.
I didn't understand that grace doesn't have corners. I didn't how that I had to ever present opportunity to rest deeply in the limitlessness of His love. The past year and a half has been spent exploring purposefully in the waters of beautiful grace given by amazing amazing God. He chose me to be a part of His kingdom. He chose me.
So today, I am thankful for my deeper story. I'm thankful that Jesus continues to give grace to the "good girl" who could never quite be good enough, the girl who knew she should be better, the girl who feared her deeper story.
The girl He loved. The girl He loves.
P.S. He loves you, too. A LOT.
Love,
Lyss :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Gratitude Challenge: Day Fifteen
Today, I'm thankful for the following things~
1. blogging. It's SUCH a release for me.
2. yogurt and jello.
3. autism.
4. faith.
5. unexpected outcomes and new beginnings.
6. excitement.
7. rosemary scented candles.
8. parents! Both biological and surrogate :)
9. LOVE.
10. the Stirring.
What are you thankful for today? :)
The Creator of the Universe loves you... and so do I!
XOXO,
Lyss
1. blogging. It's SUCH a release for me.
2. yogurt and jello.
3. autism.
4. faith.
5. unexpected outcomes and new beginnings.
6. excitement.
7. rosemary scented candles.
8. parents! Both biological and surrogate :)
9. LOVE.
10. the Stirring.
What are you thankful for today? :)
The Creator of the Universe loves you... and so do I!
XOXO,
Lyss
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