Chit Chat and Cheerleaders.

Last Saturday was a no good, awful, stressful, hurtful, hard day. All the way around. 

Until around 8:30 pm. 

I've talked a lot about my friends on this blog. There's Caitlin who got married this summer and Emma the photographer. There's Kaylin from junior high youth group and Lauren from my high school theatre days. I love them. 

There are some new (ish) little loves in my life. Cait and Soph. 

They are best friends. Cheerleaders. Dreamers. Brunettes. Teenagers. 

They love Jesus. They love people. They love them well. 

At 16 and 17 years old, they are passionate. they are kind. they are loyal. they are honest. they are growing. they are learning. 

Seven days ago, these two gems snagged me from the impending sadness and drove. I was blindfolded. 

They drove to the top of the world- my favorite place in my hometown. Some of my sweetest memories with friends and Jesus are there. It carries a special place in my heart. 

They took my blindfold off, climbed in the backseat and the three of us just watched our city. We watched the hustle and bustle of tiny cars and saw the twinkle of the lights. 

And then the words started. and for the next two hours, my heart was filled to the brim with encouragement, with hope, with truth. Those two sat next to me and somehow came up with enough loving words to fill almost 120 minutes. that's insane to me. I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

We finished off the night praising Jesus together. He was beaming with joy. I know it. 

I've been thinking over the last week about what to say about this night. How to capture it. How to express my thankfulness for these two and praise Jesus for creating friendship and the ability to be authentic. 

I remember being 16. and 17 too, for that matter. It really wasn't all that long ago. I know that sometimes to reach the heart and mind of a teenager, you have to swim and smile through small talk, connect on insignificant issues, and feel our way through the pleasantries. 

But here's the deal: At times, I feel a strong revulsion to chit chat. Give me a girl who wants to sit and dig through the trenches and I'll stay up all night. Put me at a dinner with a group of small talkers, and I'll take my food to go. 

Not really. 

I don't take my food to go, because I like people. I love people, actually. And I'm pretty good at the small talk most of the time. 

Sometimes, I feel like my life is one long incessant session of small talk. and it starts to drain the life out of me. 

Small talk isn't bad or wrong, by any means! It just isn't my favorite. And the feeling I get when the small talk outweighs the real talk is similar to the feeling I get when I don't sit down and think about my intention, my longing, my desire. 

Consistently, throughout the Bible, Jesus asks, "What do you want me to do for you?" It wasn't a trick question and it cut right through every ounce of small talk. He looked straight into their eyes and asked them. "What is your desire?"

I have found it next to impossible to answer questions about where my heart is at when my soul is shaking at the edges from too much activity, too many voices. 

I am learning to quiet the critical voice and search out the secret place. I'm listening for the mysteries and the knowledge and the hope. 

... and I don't have to be afraid of what He reveals to me. What Jesus places within me, He wants to pour out of me. Not just for my benefit, but for yours, too. 

I long for the beauty and substance that comes with walking life with someone. Being in their presence, hearing their voice, hugging them close. I long for spacious conversation. I long for authenticity and honesty. I long for these things, even though it might be less convenient. Even though it might be less efficient. Even though it might hurt. 

... and then I realized something. 

Sweet Caitlin and Sophie... they knew that. 

and they did something about it. 

I have a deep desire to listen and understand what goes on behind the masks that people wear. I write and speak about vulnerability and authenticity all the time, and sometimes I'm still terrified to have people see what goes on behind my own masks. I long to embrace my own smallness, to quiet the competing voices in my head, and to truly listen.

We were made in the secret place. 

... and I think it's time to return there. 

To receive. To remember. To listen. 

Then we get to take all of that, and pour it back out. 

And that's exactly what these sweet girls did. They listened. They saw. They acted. 

What an incredible legacy they are leaving. At 16 and 17. 

Girls, thank you. I love you both. 

Your lives shout Jesus. 

I'm proud of you. 

Love, 

Lyss

Lauren Nicole.

I am a lover of words.

Obviously, this is not new information for most of you :) But I do. I love them. I love how they fit together and create beauty. There's so much life and depth to be discovered in words. I love them. 

But do you know what I love even more??

When someone else is able to communicate EXACTLY where my heart is at fifty billion times better than I ever could. 

Today, I read this: http://laurennicolelove.com/blog/the-new-heart/you-cant/

... and as I bawled my way through the post, my heart knew that it was exactly what I wanted to say today. 

Only Lauren did it beautifully, so I just get to immense privilege of passing it on to you.  

I hope your week is off to a wonderful start. 

Hugs and Love, 

Lyss

... because I still throw temper tantrums.

What happens when you wake up and realize that life is not quite what you imagined it would be? What happens when your deepest dreams and hopes and desires are not coming to fruition and you don't see how they ever will? What happens when you find yourself dealing with a temper tantrum... and it's your own?

Grown-up temper tantrums. They happen. They're probably not be the "throw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming" kind, though sometimes that sounds tempting. No. Grown-up temper tantrums are in a league of their own. They are manifested in all kinds of different ways. Sometimes really subtle ways. The emotional disconnect from loved ones. Checking out of reality. Angry isolation. Tears. 

It can be listening to lies that eventually leak into reality and threaten to skew what is true.

No matter how the tantrum manifests itself, they all speak something along the lines of: "I don't like this. This is NOT what I dreamed about, hoped for, planned out. So change it. Now!!"

I hate starting off my days with a bad attitude. 

... but that's exactly how today began. With a bad attitude, and a discouraged heart. 

I went to my morning class and came immediately home to sit with Jesus. 

And I've come to a conclusion. 

The cure for a temper tantrum: 

Surrender. 

Surrender to the perfect God who breathes stars into place and set the entire world into motion. The entire world. He is in complete control of my little world, too. 

Trust. 

Trust that God has my back and I every single thing I encounter is filtered through His heart of love for me... including difficulties. especially difficulties. 

Praise. 

This is my favorite one. and probably the easiest for me. I have a hard time surrendering. and I have an even harder time trusting. But praising? Praising is speaking, singing, dancing, writing my love for Jesus. I love Him. A lot. and I love telling people I love them. Especially my Father. 

Today, I'm just asking for grace to stay the course, even when it feels like I'm riding the same conflict wheel over and over again like a little hamster. It makes me want to scream. I'm asking for grace to stay the course when my decisions seem to be constantly questioned. I'm asking for grace to stay the course when I'm not really at the beginning and I'm definitely not at the end, but instead I find myself in the middle. Some days, it feels like an awfully long road trip with crappy music and no one in the car to reach the snacks in the backseat. 

My dad loved to take our family on trips when we were really little. My brother and I learned to be content in the car for LONG periods of time as babies. We were just used to it. and we've seen some pretty desolate places. We've been in the "middle of nowhere" more times than I can count. and when you're in the middle of nowhere, you just have to stay the course, trusting that your destination will eventually arrive. There are no pit stops. The road just stretches out unendingly before you and the landscape is engulfing. It seems barren. But I remember, even as a child, being enamored by the "nothingness." There was beauty there. There is beauty there. 

This "staying the course" time... could that be beautiful, too? When the landscape seems barren and desolate... and all I want to do is turn around or go a different way... maybe I should be asking for my eyes to be opened to the beauty to be found here. 

"I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water and parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One has created it." Isaiah 41:18-19 is incredible. 

Yep. I'm in the middle of nowhere. Maybe you are, too. 

But there's hope. 

Because God's power is that much more majestic and overwhelming when it is showcased against a backdrop of barren and desolate landscape. 

So, I'll stay the course. and continue to fight the fight for total surrender and trust. 

Let's agree together that no matter the landscape, Jesus WILL turn the barrenness into beauty. 

He will, my friends, and it will knock our socks off. 

and when He does, let's rejoice together. 

Love to you, 

Lyss

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me."

Love and Prenatal Vitamins

I go into Target several times a week. I love Target.

I only bought only one thing today, which is pretty close to a miracle: prenatal vitamins.

NO, I am not pregnant. I am taking a nutrition class for school, and the girls were encouraged to take prenatal vitamins as the only supplement in our diet. Most of the time, I'm a rule follower. So I marched myself over to Target immediately following class and got myself some!

OF COURSE this is the day that I see FOUR people I know in Target. I'm there for a total of seven minutes, and in the course of that seven minutes, I get to talk and explain the meaning behind why on earth I'm buying pregnant pills. (If you are curious, shoot me an email or fb me. I love talking about this kind of stuff!).

Anyway, by the fourth person (who just happened to be a momma I babysit for), I was ready to be done explaining. and this is how the conversation went...

Her: Lyss! Hey! How was your day?
Me: Great! How was yours?
Her: Mine was good, too. What are you getting today?
Me: prenatal vitamins.
Her (with the most concerned look on her face): Well, we love you. and we're here to support you through the whole process.
Me: (laughing) I'm NOT pregnant! Oh man... *launched into really long explanation about why I am taking prenatal vitamins*

Meanwhile, little man is in the cart just watching this all unfold. I gave him a hug after this hilarious exchange and told him I missed him.

He looked at me with those big huge four year old eyes and said, "Lyssa, you know when I'm never going to love you?" (translation: "do you know when I'm going to stop loving you?")

I smiled and said "When?"

With affirming laughter, he yelled, "NEVER! I'm just going to love you, and love you, and love you forever!"

I just about died.

*Can I please pause for a second and just say that I nanny/babysit for the most incredible families. I love watching mommas and daddies encourage their children to love extravagantly.*

Oh, how those simple words brought me SO much joy. They rejuvenated my heart. I scooped him out of the cart for a showering of hugs and kisses on his rosy cheeks, and was bombarded with a reminder of the eternal love that Jesus has for me.... for all of His kids. The hours that He has spent loving me FAR exceed the hours I've lived on earth.

In 20 years, He has demolished walls that imprisoned me, unlocked shackles that crippled me, and tore off the blindfold that concealed light from my eyes. He has equipped me with armor to shield me from the enemy and showered my heart with hope to restrain the doubt.

Every offense I have ever committed (and there's been a LOT of them) has been perfectly blanketed with His forgiveness. Often, I am ungrateful. Yet He still loves me. I have nothing to offer Him that is not already His, but He loves me. He loves me wildly and passionately and consistently.

Do you know when He's "never going to love me?" Never. Never ever.

He's going to love me, and love me, and love me forever.

Nothing fills my heart as full as that beautiful promise.

A trip to Target, a run in with one of my favorite moms and her son, and one bottle of prenatal vitamins later...

and my heart is about ready to burst. God is so kind.

He loves me.

He loves you.

We are loved.

Oh, and kids? They are stinkin amazing.


Love to you,
Lyss

Holes.

I spent a good portion of my life running from hard things.

I lived to keep busy- making sure every little square on the calendar had something to fill it, barely scheduling time to sit and breathe. 

At times, I shopped recklessly and consumed foolishly. I made decisions that seemed worth it at the time just so I could have a little "fun." I exaggerated. I overcompensated. I fought really hard for the things I wanted. And somehow, those things made me a little happier. They temporarily muffled the roar of my empty soul. 

There are still moments and minutes and days where I make these choices. 

We all have holes. and we all have different ways that we attempt to fill them. 

But they exist for each of us. And in the most inconvenient times, in the most inconvenient places, they rise up and try to stake their claim. In relationships. In fears. In doubts. In insecurities. Even in success. 

It's why we need Jesus. It's how we journey together. 

“No matter how different our circumstances may be, we each live and lose and love and cry and work and let go and endure and break down and get back up. It is the universal tie that binds all of us together, and it matters deeply. I know that the fullness of how we love each other as human beings is in our understanding of how similar we really are, and how much we need each other to care. We truly were not meant to take this journey alone.”  ~ Lisa Whittle

Even in the gaps and the crevices, I find great hope. 

The holes are the very place that we can most find God. 

When the church has let us down, our roles seem unappreciated, our choices have threatened to define our lives... wellness, joy, and perfect peace can be breathed into the empty spaces of our life- a rich, full life that isn't about what we do or what we have been taught or what we've lived through. Instead, it becomes about what Jesus has written on the pages of our journey. 

It's about where we have lacked, but He has always been enough. 

It's about where we have fallen, but He has never faltered. 

It's about where we have holes, but He has divinely filled them. 

My story, your story, doesn't end with the holes. With Jesus, the holes are the beginning. 

Because when we are willing to look at the dark, deep, unexposed pieces... we discover truth. 

We find community. We find bravery. We find healing. 

And Jesus, who fills our souls with Himself... makes all things well.

Love to you,

Lyss