Party of 2.

I had my life planned out. 
Pretty early on, I might add. 
I was four years old and wearing my cousin's wedding dress and pointy heels, asking for help in proper veil placement. We made a paper flower bouquet and I walked down the teal carpet stairs to meet my groom. Four years old and so in love with the idea of love. 
As time went on, I plotted my path to a nuclear family. Husband, 3.5 kids, a house with a porch swing. 
Well clearly, Prince Charming hasn't knocked on my door with that glass slipper yet. 
It's just me. 
and then it happened. and I'm not exactly sure how or when.
It was months and months of a silent battle in my heart. 
You're not married.  Kids need a mom and a dad.  Will I be enough?  I work full time.  You would be a single mom.  No one wants to marry a single mom.  Your friends won't understand.  You're skipping a step. 
And as those months and months went by, in the midst of the above thoughts and more, I slowly began to just know. 
I needed to do foster care. I needed to adopt. 
So I moved out of my little one bedroom studio, and into a two bedroom apartment. 
I started what feels like centuries of paperwork, started collecting all the essentials, and began slowly telling family and friends. 
and I began to prepare my heart. 
I'm gonna be a momma. 
And she will be my baby. 
Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. 
You guys, I just love her. I love her with this impossible, heartbreaking, beautiful love. 
and I love her tummy momma, too. 
I pray for you, tummy momma. I pray that you will know in the depths of your soul that you are valued and desired. I pray that you will make healthy choices, for yourself and your baby. And I pray that you feel comfort in knowing I will love her for all my days as if I had carried her in my womb. 
and baby girl? oh, baby girl.  You have overturned my normal. My thoughts are filled with you, turning towards where you are, at this very moment. I imagine you doing back flips in your mommy's tummy and I imagine you with a full head of hair.  I'm preparing a place for you, little one. A safe place. A quiet, loud, musical, fun, safe place. A place with walls. A place with warmth in the winter and coolness in the summer. A place with toys and clothes. A place with love. I am studying and praying and staying up late into the night folding all your tiny clothes.  I'm thinking about how having you in my life will change me. You're going to make me a mother. An embarrassingly proud mother. This is big and this is new. Both of us together will simultaneously being ending what was and starting what is to come. How terrifying and exciting.  Someday soon we will meet. I will learn your hunger cues and your wet diaper cry. I will watch you grow, a sensation I will both mourn and celebrate. Someday soon, I will read to you. I will sing to you. I will kiss your sweet face. Someday soon, our lives will become intertwined. For a whole lifetime.  And I can't wait. 
Happy early Mother's Day to all you mommas out there. I can't wait to join your world of midnight feedings, spit up soaked shirts, and crazy deep love. 
And really quickly, to my own tribe of mothers? It's because of each of you that this is possible. You are the moms everyone wishes they had, and the mom I hope to be. 
Alyssa, party of two. Coming Summer 2016.