It's the end of a long day. I am tired.
I'm sitting at the dinner table. I text one of my closest friends "Today, I want all the alcohol". This statement is both shocking and hilarious if you know me.
I'm maxed out, unable to hold much of a conversation. Before I know it, I feel tears trickle down my cheeks. That's just how my body handles stress, I remind myself.
One friend asks, "Is there something bigger going on?"
Sometimes there is, but can it just be the reality of this season of life? Some days don't leave me with much to give by the end of it.
Sometimes, especially at the end of days such as these, I wonder, truly, if I am the only momma out there who questions her ability, her decisions, her patience.
I rally. I can do this. and I can do this well. But it is exhausting.
Living in the world of momma leaves me resting in the tension of both.
I am tired. I am energized.
I am empty. My cup runneth over.
I love having a baby. I miss my freedom.
Can it be both?
I need it to be both. I need the tension. I need to have the freedom to admit that this is hard. But also, that despite the difficulty, it's fiercely worth it. I need to say that sometimes, if I'm being truly transparent, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I need to say that I miss having hours to myself to write or read or get my nails done or even make a phone call. I need to say that I'd love to listen to something other than "Scripture Lullabies volume I", often the only thing that will calm her. Can I say that and not diminish my love of this season too? Because also, if I'm being truly transparent, this season of my life is my very favorite. It deserves to be celebrated and relished. Can I say that I love living life with my girl by my side? That this identity of momma is demanding and draining, but it is also refining, humbling, invigorating, and awe-inspiring. It is both.
Can't I be so wholly and completely exhausted that I desperately pray for grace and patience and love that is bigger and more complete than myself because I otherwise don't know how I'm going to make it through the day?
But ALSO, can't I say that I so wholly and completely love my tiny girl? and I wouldn't trade this for anything? That it is difficult to multi-task when she is awake and in the same room- not because she is disruptive or distracting, but because I am drawn into her orbit so easily and find myself tickling her toes and kissing her face before I am even aware of it.
Can I be maxed out and at the end of my rope? Can I admit that I'm running on empty and not feel like less of a mom? Completely perplexed and frustrated over how to go through this process and go through this process well?
But ALSO, can't I be blown away by the privilege it is that right now, in this moment, she is mine? Can I admit that I miss her when I have an hour to run an errand or grab a tea?
Can I be confident in the choices I am making for my family and not compare myself to the choices she is making for her family?
Can I take a week to finish a single load of kid laundry but decorate (which I thoroughly enjoy) for fall in thirty minutes flat?
Can I skip interactive tummy time, and choose to binge watch all the premieres of all the new seasons of all the shows?
Can I celebrate the choices I am making, but also celebrate the choices she is making to allow her to be the best and most loving parent she can be even if they're different from mine?
Can I hold tightly to my identity of personal assistant, writer, friend, but be free of guilt that momma has taken precedence as my main and most demanding identity right now?
It needs to be both. I need it to be both. It's okay to be both and not live with feet firmly planted on either side. If I let the pendulum swing too far to either side, there is space for bitterness, alienation, or unhealthy facades of perfection. I need to remember who I was and who I am and be reminded that they don't have to compete with one another. I need to admit that I don't have it all together but come completely undone when she smiles in my direction. I need to admit that it's hard and that I love it.
I need authenticity as much as I need sleep.
I am tired and I am in love.
I am both.
