Heaven.

I am so excited to sit at the feet of Jesus one day. No more funerals, no more tears, no more pain, no more brokenness. Just constant praise to the Creator of all things.

God, I want to dream the dream that YOU are dreaming for me. So send me, Father. I will go where You want me to be... because I know that it is perfect, breathtaking, beautiful.

Love you.

What if...

...I never get to be Mary Poppins on a stage.
...I never get to sing with my husband.
...I never get to have a first kiss.
...I never get to go to nursing school.
...I never get to that little bubbly excitement when I know I'm falling in love.
...I never get to date a godly man that will cherish me.
...I never get to scream "YES!" when man asks me to be his forever.
...I never get to experience pure extreme joy when I miss that period, and have to run to the store to get the pregnancy test.
...I never get to see the little pink lines appear on the stick saying that I have a baby inside my belly.
...I never get to buy maternity clothes.
...I never get to read and sing to my sweet baby.
...I never get to dance with my baby when he is crying in the middle of the night.
...I never get to see the same man when I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning.
...I never get to hear tiny feet pattering down the halls.
...I never get to hear, "Mommy."
...I never get to take my kids to school and watch them run and play.
...I never get to do the things that I have wanted to do since I was seven.

I am still going to LIVE.
I am still going to run, jump, and play NOW~ with the time I am given.

I will still love and praise my Savior for who He is. Perfect, Holy, Constant.

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the DESIRES of your heart."


Jesus, I delight in You.

Thankful

I am so thankful for friends today. Friends that inspire and challenge... friends that will never let me settle and love to be adventerous. Man, I love you guys. I am SO thankful I will have stories to tell my kiddos one day ;)

Love,
Poppins

Clanging Cymbals and Starlight Symphonies :)

I tend to get wrapped up in happily-ever-afters. I still love hearing Nathan talk about how he met Sarah, my teacher talk about the first time she saw her husband.
When I'm introduced to a couple, one of my favorite questions to ask is (with a big goofy smile on my face!) "So how did you two meet?" People meet someone at a concert, on a trip, in an airport, waiting in line at a hot dog stand or at a coffee shop, and then before they know it, something clicks. It can happen between totally polar-opposite personalities. It can happen with close friends. Falling in love can be like meeting someone for the first time, even when you've known him forever. For most people, it seems as though love happens at a moment they aren't expecting it. In an instant, life just changes~ the world suddenly goes from cool sepia colors to soft pastels.
Silver screen love is beautiful too~ tragic and sweet, simple and passionate. I'm into love stories, and I think there's a good reason for this. I'm a girl created to love and be loved. My craving for affection, the way I melt when a guy hand reaches to pull out my chair, is a mystery to me. Friendship, romance, and affection can all be this jumbled, confusing mess. Trusting God with that part of my heart can be crazy hard.
I wanted to see the different ways Paul described what it would be like to live without love~ how his imagery was woven through different translator's pens. Without love, we're compared to a resounding gong and a clanging cymbal, the creaking of a rusty gate and meaningless noise. Without love, you and I are fingernails on a chalkboard, jackhammers in a peaceful neighborhood. Without love, it seems as if Paul is saying we're chaos.
What's even harder for my brain to process is that the word Paul uses for love doesn't refer to chick-flick examples, physical affection or conversation-heart poetry. Paul isn't talking about romantic love, the kind of love I have a tendency to think will make my life perfect. He's talking about agape love. Without a love that fills my life, the kind of love I can only find in Christ, the words I speak are empty, the plans I make seem shallow~ even the relationships I have feel flat.
With Christ's love, life takes on a whole new meaning. We can be kind, patient, confident (not cocky) women who persevere, hope, trust, and pursue the purpose He has for us. We can have a deep rooted security in the permanency of His love, find protection when we're near Him and look for ways to reach out to other people. Even when our world feels like a carnival ride, when our emotions and lives swirl together in a big colorful mess, we can know He is permanent, unchanging and constant. That is pretty romantic. The way God loves us in amazing.
I'm saying all of that to get to this~ You are already loved regardless of your dating status. I'm convinced it's totally OK for us to be excited about the guy He has for us, to let other relationships be a reminder to guard our hearts and our emotions and save the best of who we are for one person. And I'm convinced it's OK to desire romance, to appreciate the guys He puts in our lives. I'm also convinced that even when we're with guys who are every bit of what we've prayed for, we'll feel really empty if we aren't looking to Christ for His approval. He is the love that fills us. Jesus completes us.
When we're living lives full of love like Paul writes about, that love that spills into every other area of our lives as well.
Whether you're watching a sappy movie with a sweet guy this sunny Saturday, or watching a sappy movie alone, you're loved. Whether you're the girl everybody wants to be, or the girl who sits on a bench alone at a picnik table, you are loved. It's so easy for me to think the love that will make my life matter is the love I get from the attention and approval of other people, but again and again I'm learning the only love that makes me whole is the love I find in my relationship with Him.
You and I can wait with a whole lot of anticipation. God is very good at happily-ever-afters. Even when a sweet, fun, godly guy does come along and makes our ordinary day extraordinary, even when we have a great story to tell our grandkids, let's make the love of Christ a priority in our lives. He makes every ordinary moment extraordinary. He sees every mistake and makes a masterpiece from it.
Even for the moments we fail, the times we let our guard down, the broken hearts we give back to Him in pieces, He's waiting to sweep us up into a love that too amazing to articulate.

Without Him, I would be a meaningless noise, a clanging cymbal.

With Him, I'm acoustic guitars, a jazz piano solo, a symphony under the stars.

Without Him, my story is jumbled and inarticulate, but with Him I'm a happily-ever-after just waiting to happen.

And so are you! :)

Love,
Poppins

Passion.

I know what mine is. For sure.

Nope, this isn't the end fellow theatre friends. In truly cliche and cheesy form... "You will see much more of me." I want to do this. I need to be doing this. I never feel more "alive" (lame word choice, I know. It's late, ok?!) than when I am on that stage. It's like no other feeling.

Oh my goodness. I am thrilled. Simply thrilled.

Don't let it end, Jesus. Don't let it end! and oh, thanks for coming to watch tonight :) I love performing for You.

Heavy.

My head.
My eyes.
My words.
My singing.
My thoughts.
My heart.

My Life.

HEAVY.

Blue Hair Monday

Sometimes at school I get the pressing urge to dye my hair a really random color and wear the weirdest clothes I can find. On some level, I've never really liked blending in, but I'm learning that the more I journey through life, the easier it is to blend in.
In the school I'm in now, full of brand name jeans and perfect style, it can be even harder to feel as though I'm unique~ hence the hair thing. I wonder what it would be like to walk around in my favorite purple dress and heels with my hair glimmering a deep shiny blue. I'm a jeans kind of girl anyway, so "dress clothes" have never been my favorite attire.
I like to get dressed up for something special, but day in and day out I go with jeans and a sweatshirt, hair in a pony tail or a bun... (but I'm getting better at wearing it down!) I look like everybody else. I think having blue-hair Monday would help everybody loosen up a little bit.
Especially as girls, we really push the fashion envelope in the name of expression. Even my friend, who's a missionary in a country where women have to dress in long-sleeved shirts and long skirts, has figured out a way to look different. She sends me pictures of cool shoes she finds or henna flowers she had inked on her hand. There are millions of possibilities.
We dye our hair some crazy color. We're grungy one day and couture the next, and sometimes we even pull it off with amazing flair! We can be girly or edgy or athletic or all all that blended into one look. But it's still just a look. At the end of the day, we want to remind the world we're just a little bit different from everybody else. Nobody wants to blend in.
I'm learning that my wildly creative and imaginative God didn't create me to blend, either; He created me to shine. He compared us to stars in the universe. He told us He loves us more than smeared sunsets. We're bound to stand out, but it has very little to do with what color we dye our hair or if it's a pink flip-flop or black stilettos kind of day and everything to do with our hearts.
Lately I've been thinking about what it means to shine, because I've been reading about Daniel. Early on, long before his run-in with some hungry lions, Daniel was making decisions for his God alone and not for other people. Daniel was good-looking, smart, and ambitious (like the other guys serving the king), but he got noticed, because he decided to take a stand. Taking a stand on what you know is right, even when nobody agrees, makes standing out a no-brainer.
Daniel refused to defile himself with the king's food and drink (Daniel 1:8), a choice that landed him some criticism at first. Eventually people could see Daniel was healthier than the other guys. His choice to please God above everybody else made him stand out. But that was only one example of why Daniel didn't blend in. He wasn't just concerned with the externals; he was faithful to God even when no one was looking. He made knowing and spending time with God a priority.
Wrapped in a prayer life that rocked his life, and eventually the whole kingdom, Daniel profoundly influenced his world because of his deep, personal relationship with God. As he stood before the king with tact and grace, God revealed deep intricate mysteries to Daniel. Heaven stood strong in the face of death. The Daniel I've always pictured is sitting in a room full of lions, but long before that moment, Daniel knew how to live in an influence his society while being completely devoted to God.
The many conversations God wants to have with me in my lifetime, the secret, hidden, amazing moments He's waiting to share, won't start in public when I'm trying to stand out. They happen in private, when I'm alone with Him, on my knees in worship, in adoration, talking to Him and listening for His voice.
His Word changes the way I see the world, see my life and see the people in it. Our stories are unfolding. His plan is huge. I don't want to miss it. I want to seize the big opportunities to make a stand for Him. I want to help people without making a big deal about it, without even telling people I'm doing it, because what's going on inside my heart is the real measure of whether I blend in or stand out.
The moral of the story is this~ Being relevant to my generation has a lot less to do with how I look or what bands I can name-drop and a lot more to do with how I let God work in me in such a way that it affects other people. That process never ends. That process makes me different. On the average city street, in the average school, I might blend in. But in HIS mind, I have a purpose and a plan totally unique to me- and so do you.
Daniel's words in 2:28 are some of my favorites: "There is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries." That same God calls you and me friend. Never settle for anything less than a radical relationship with Him~ a relationship that gives you the wings to dream big dreams and love extravagantly.
In the end, love never blends.
Love stands out.
Love changes things.
By the way, I'll just settle for a loud headband here and there. But if I ever dye my hair blue, I'll let you know.

~Poppins

Boys in Love...

... are quite possibly the cutest thing to watch.

The way their eyes seem to instantly soften and spark with excitement when she walks in the room, the way a smile has never looked so big or genuine, the way he won't leave her side and if he does he's constantly aware of where she is, the way every single one of his friends knows he's smitten which makes him turn red and feel bad (but only for half a second), the way he tries so hard to hide the fact that he doesn't care about anybody else in the room, the way he lets everyone around know that he thinks what she's saying is going to change the world!, the way he wants to leave earlier than everyone else just to catch a moment with his girl, the way he'll kiss her full on the mouth in the midst of a crowd... the way he loves her, and she knows it.

Ah, boys. You just gotta love em.

Thanks for making life adventerous, boys. I love your wild, manly selves... but it's so fun to watch you completely gaga over a girl.

~Poppins

Long Week Ahead.

Not only is this week the week that makes me wonder why I ever agree to do this "play" thing... not only is this the week where exhaustion is defined by droopy eyes by ten in the morning... not only is this the week where I am consistently pushed and challenged... not only is this the week where sleep is a novelty... not only is this the week where I will break down and cry because I'm not doing something right... not only is this the week that defines the word intense...

...but it's a week that started with little support, irritation at the practice schedule, and yelling about my incompetency.

Yes, there is definitely a long week ahead.

It's a Girl Thing, Love is.

If I were thanking God for his character A to Z today, I'd go totally un-original and thank Him for His love; love that's brighter and more beautiful than spring days and more peaceful than April showers. I'd thank Him for that perfect, unconditional love that offers new starts and forgiveness and peaceful sleep when my mind is restless.
My little brain is full this afternoon... swirling with thoughts of mean spirited people, stereotypes, conversations where nothing is achieved, anger, dreamy eyes, dancing in airports, giving up, exhaustion, confusion, true friendship~ and the uncanny way they all fit together, for a purpose greater than I could ever imagine.
I'm a romantic. Definitely a swooner... super easy to charm me. I want to find the man God has for me, marry the sweetheart, and spend my life pursuing a life lived in adoration of the King. But if that's not right now, that's okay. Beautiful, breathtaking things come from waiting. I am content... not looking for a quick fix or a title. My Jesus is molding and shaping me as well as the hubs, preparing us both for what's to come. Love is patient, kind, wild, gentle, forgiving, sincere, and so much more. But I know one thing for sure~ When I am sitting at the feet of the ultimate Lover... my love is pure and beautiful.

~A

Foggy Castles and Designer Bags

I was walking through the MoMa (Museum of Modern Art..though there is much more than just modern. It's split up into rooms.) in New York City by myself while the family had gone to a movie... looking at the brilliant walls and walls of art. Sometimes when I look at paintings, I feel as if I'm staring into someone's imagination. I always wonder what the artist was thinking. Some paintings are like a deep glimpse into someone's heart, like the watercolor poetry for the whole world to see. One of my first stops that day was the room of modern art.
There are some kinds of modern art I just can't get into- like the canvas with a big orange square I was supposed to stare at for twenty minutes. I'm just not artsy enough to get what's going on, I guess. At first I though maybe everybody else was seeing something I wasn't, like maybe if I stared hard enough it would be one of those things where I could suddenly see a 3-D tree or something.
I was relieved when we finally moved into a room full of classic paintings. One artist in particular caught my eye, and before I knew it I had sat down cross-legged on a bench in the room in front of his storybook of work. That day, when I stared into his imagination, I learned a lot about perspective. And eternity. And how I fit into God's glorious canvas.
His name is J.M.W Turner, and his paintings are astounding. He painted ships out to sea that look like something from Neverland. He painted Hannibal's army crossing the Alps through a swirling dark storm. Some of his work resembles a fairytale, and some of it looks like a bad dream, with sunrises and natural tragedies alike.
My Turner overload became even greater when the tour guide started commenting on his work. He said that usually Turner's focus was on the ordinary. If you look at most of his paintings, there's this place where the light swells, and you see something very serene- the struggle to survive in a storm or a placid farm off in the distance. At first, you see the vastness of a picture, but when you look closer you see the true beauty: a normal everyday moment we overlook, something that may always be there that we just choose not to see. I used to have a postcard in a box under my bed of one of Turner's prints called Norham Castle, Sunrise. The people around me who were digging the orange squares in mod art weren't as inspired as I (that's the cool thing about art- there's something for everyone!), but this picture in particular is the one I love. The colors are sparse- blurry green grass, and animal grazing and a smeared blue castle. It looks like a kingdom in the clouds. Some people think it's so blurry because Turner was losing his eyesight. Other people say it just wasn't finished or that he was experimenting with different techniques.
Whatever the deal is, I think the picture is really special. It reminds me of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I also love how it's paraphrased in the Message. "We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in the fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears, and the sun shines bright!"
There are things that'll never make sense to me while I'm on earth. Part of really trusting God is knowing that while I am here, I may not understand why something I wanted, even something that seemed to glorify Him, didn't work out. And still, He's there. He's in the ordinary. He's in the storm. He's in all the hazy, blurry confusion. He doesn't change, and I love that.
On the flip side, the castle picture reminds me that eternity is real, even if it's just a blurry picture in my mind right now. Heaven is a very real place, and I'll physically stand before Jesus and be accountable for how I used the gifts He gave me and how I loved the people around me. On that day, the stuff I wasted my time thinking about, piles of stuff I want- the funky designer bags that look like something right off the shoulder of Sienna Miller; the jeans I saved up for; the new iPod; the books; even the random awards I have- will mean nothing.
What WILL matter is the what I did for Him while I was on earth. It's amazing how random moments help me realize how fast and quick my life is in the grand scheme of things. I want to know that while I live, I use up my life in His service. Maybe that's why I don't care so much about spending my money on the people I love... investing in them over dinner, cupcakes, or a blue shirt... even if it's not recognized or the purpose isn't realized. I want my life to matter. When the foggy glass lifts and I see Him face to face, I won't regret letting the white spring capris I saw on sale get away from me. But I WILL regret not making the most of the minute I had to change someone's day.
Usually on my morning drive to school, I see the Redding skyline, and I always look forward to it. For a week or so, there was so much fog I couldn't make it out at all, not even when it was right in front of me. I thought about how weird that is- to know it's right there in front of me and not be able to see it at all. Then I though of the Turner painting. Then I thought of heaven and how sweet it is to know that Jesus wants me to be there with Him forever. We're told our wildest dreams can't even come close to what God has in store for those who love Him- now and in the future when we're with Him face to face (1 Corinthians 2:9)
What we do know is His promise: that even in our darkest and loneliest days, even in the moments when we get so obsessed with having more stuff and more status that we forget about Him, if we'd just look over our shoulder we might be surprised. Our greatest moments of joy in this world are just shadows of a kingdom we can't see yet, the faintest outline of a blurry castle our eyes can barely make out.
When that veil is lifted, and He's standing there, we won't wonder anymore. Then, and now, Jesus is already holding us through every moment of joy and sadness, making our story-book ending, our watercolor lifetime, while we wait for the sun to rise.
You are, in every way, His favorite work of art.

~Poppins

I am.

I am an instrument of the living God... my life a melody to His name. More than the songs I sing, worship is everything. I live to glorify my King.

Hearthe song of my life. Let it be a sweet sweet sound. I raise this anthem high... just let it be a sweet sweet sound.

Through all the myre and clay You're washing me with grace. You carry me, oh Jesus, through it all. So I will testify... EVEN in the fire. I live to praise my Savior.

Let it be... let it be a sweet sweet sound to your ears.

I love you.

This and That

Getting Home...at 2 am is not a normality. Trust me. Well, today I am paying for it. Woke up with a sore throat and a nasty cough. Awesome. Well, at least it's now and not the week of the play... I watched Stepmom which made my cry. A lot. I'm tired of being yelled at. I just ended a sentence with a preposition, which a big no-no and I don't even care. The cherry cough drops are gone, which disappoints me. The sun is out, which means the windows can be open. Fresh air is good, for sure. I love the new pair of jeans I got the other day for super cheap. I'm pretty much over spring break, aside from the sleeping in. Yep, another sentence ending in a preposition. My eyes are heavy, but not from sleepiness. Could it be allergies? My name is not Sarah. Very soon, I am finished.

God, I know you are good.

~Poppins

I Will Sing.

The absolute best thing about being home alone is singing. As loudly as I possibly can. Whatever song I happen to be singing seems to have a sweeter sound when it's not followed by, "Alyssa, please stop" or "Alyssa, we've heard enough" or "When you have your own house you can sing all you want, but for right now you are finished, Alyssa". It's great... because my Savior never asks me to stop. It's a sweet sweet sound. I think maybe that's why I like driving so much. Not only does it give me time to think uninterrupted, but I can sing like nobody's business... and nobody will care! :) I was able to walk into my empty house this morning, and sing~ truly sing in a way that I don't get to very often~ and I know He was just thrilled. I loved it.

~Poppins

Documenting.

Just want to write down some memories... so I don't forget them. Looking out over the city lights with my foot super hard on the break so we don't roll down the hill... the gross frosting on the margarita cupcake, but the amazingness of the cupcake itself... reading a book aloud that so closely resembles reality it's scary... going into a safe place when art is menacing...squishing three girls into one bed for the night... opening the sunroof of the car, being absolutely freezing, but loving the night atmosphere... the creepy cottage where rapers must be bred... driving and swapping stories, refusing to get out and trespass... E's crown and love affair with a pair of hiking boots...dancing in the swaying grass... waking up on Easter and realizing it's raining, the sinking feeling... the feeling of protection when I walked into N and S's house... listening to a voicemail and feeling tears in my eyes at the mention of the words "you're family"... the totally PINK restaurant... wasting gas and not caring... making dinner with two of my closest friends, then being afraid to eat it... listening to Ava girl tell her imaginative stories... constant laughing, for no apparent reason other than we're just plain funny... turning off the movie because we know the ending and don't want to watch them die... watching the saddest movie on earth when Sarah and I hear Elyse whisper, "He's gonna die. The movie's called Remember Me"... the peace I felt walking into an empty house... not being able to fall asleep because I was so thankful... the echo when I sang in the gym all by myself... the complete and utter exhaustion I felt when I completed the first run through... looking at Lauren, and knowing she was feeling the same thing... the memories that started pouring through my brain when I was writing to the cast... Sarah yelling at Jon's house... the exact moment when I saw the cast list and realized that I get to be young... the way my heart kind flips over when Phillip calls me momma in school... driving home and not wanting the drive to end.

These are just a few... I woke up today, just me and Jesus on Easter... and wanted to document these moments. These moments make life fun, adventerous, and at times, scary! Thank you, sweet friends. How blessed I am by you.

Christ is Risen, He is risen indeed!

~Poppins

Discovery.

I realized today that silence has a sound.

~Poppins.