Sometimes... sometimes I miss it.

Knowing everyone's name, hugging everyone, the lighter homework load, the drama practices, the teacher's investing in you, knowing how to meet people where they're at, not having to worry about study groups or review sessions, being spontaneous, having random fun, trips to Dutch Bros, walks to get sandwiches, sloshing in puddles just because, working on set design or choreography, English class, Mrs. Henry, laying on the grass gazing at the sky, unplanned worship sessions, jumping off flights of stairs, doodling in class, laughing at the easiness of anatomy, being a teacher's aid, being the Candy Queen, basketball games with under classmen, watching Food Network after school, being completely devoted to the kids, small group once a week, taking weekend trips, staying home if I'm sick, going to bed at 8, having to wear dresses once a week, dissecting for pleasure, playing ring-around-the-rosy at break time, being bored at lunch, blogging, the smiling secretaries, the small core lunch group, not having anything on my agenda...

Yes, it's very true. There are days when I miss it. Lots.

Because I know hardly anyone's names, I hug those I know, I have homework spilling out my ears, I don't practice for anything, the teacher's are teachers, I have to work at meeting people where they're at, my life consists of study groups and review sessions, eating an animal cracker from a friend's lunch in the amount of spontaneity I understand, fun is scheduled and often cancelled, I don't remember how to get to dutch bros, walking is a waste of precious time, sloshing in puddles is irresponsible, there is nothing to paint or dance to, my English class bores me to literal tears, Mrs. Henry is at a different school, I would never lay on the grass because there's too much to get done, nothing goes unplanned, I haven't jumped off of anything since school started, doodling equals death, I cry at the severity of anatomy, I will never have time to be a TA, I can't eat candy for fear of gaining the freshman 15, basketball games are out of the question, I can't remember the last time I watched TV, my mind is constantly swirling with the assignments I have hanging over my head, small group doesn't exist, weekend trips aren't an option, I go to school every.single.day whether I'm sick or not, I go to bed at eleven on a good day, I am a loner in my dress wearing and sometimes feel dumb, dissecting is stressful, break times are just fifteen extra minutes to study, I feel guilty for blogging, I have no lunchtime, my agenda is booked... for the next four years.

Give me strength, Jesus. I know you are faithful and your plan is perfect.