Just Keep Rowing.

People fail.
Parents fail. Professors fail. Students fail. Children fail. Nannies fail. Pastors fail. Leaders fail. Friends fail. I fail.
People fail.

God NEVER fails.

So when this day found me walking through with no one by my side, I had to remind myself of this very fact. Not once, not twice, not ten times. Constantly. God never fails. GOD never fails. God NEVER fails. God never FAILS. GOD NEVER FAILS. It became my mantra for today, something I began to whisper to myself when the tears perched on my eyelids were about to give way to the pressure and take a ride down my cheeks.

People fail. God never fails.

Over the past few weeks, this lie had been festering in my heart. A lie that had been spoken to me, to my face, that I took as truth. I chose to claim it and make it a part of my identity. Scary. "When you choose to look at 'waiting on the Lord' as a season of life, you are living in sin." Whoa. For weeks I have had this rolling through my head, silently begging myself to just STOP waiting. But I didn't (nor I do I presently) know how this was feasible. I found it impossible to STOP waiting. It simply is where I am at. I am waiting. I am in the "not yet" season of my life, where God has not yet chosen to reveal the next step of the way for His daughter. I was slowly become crippled by the fear that I couldn't escape this "sin"... that I had no way out. I was questioning my desire to be a nurse, a wife, a mother. I was questioning my identity in Christ. I was broken. Broken and hurting, just trying to find a way out of this frightening reality.

Then, by God's Sovereign grace, I was led to this passage of His perfect Word~
"Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. After leaving them, he went up on a mountainside to pray. Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, 'Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.' Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened." Mark 6:45-52


He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. This just brought me to tears. The disciples in this passage are in the "not yet". God had not chosen to reveal the totality of Himself. He chose to watch them struggle and wane, as they grew increasingly fearful and full of despair. I was struck today that I TOO am in a "not yet" season. I am asking questions which I'm sure are similar to that of the disciples~ "Why?", "How can this be doing any good?" Suffering is to be expected. I am a firm believer that I can be truly walking in His ways, seeking His face, and still be bombarded with pain, with WAITING.

Wind. Harsh, Cold, Menacing. I feel as though "wind" could be a myriad of struggles, pain, and sufferings. Whether it be a crippling addiction, lack of self worth, selfish friends, death of a loved one, unfaithfulness in marriage, abuse from a parent, favoritism on the court or field, foolish gossip... the wind is awful. Will it ever just change directions and blow the other way??

So what do we do? What do we do when we are fighting against the "wind" (whatever that may be) in our lives? What do we do when the next step in unclear and the waters below are murky and deep? What to we do when the oars have left bloody blisters and we don't think we can row even one more time?

I am choosing to praise Him. I will praise the One who paid my debts and raised this life up from dead. I will praise Him while I am sitting in the "not yet" seasons of the boat ride. I will have immense hope that God IS watching and He DOES have a most perfect, lovely plan. Though the mountains are high and the tide is rushing in, my God is there. He ALWAYS comes through. I will keep rowing. Though my hands may be bloody and blistered, and I may have to grit my teeth through every push and pull... I will keep rowing. I will keep pushing through and not miss what God might have for me HERE... IN the "not yet." I will fight. I will fight hard. I will fight hard, but with humility... for I know that without His strength, I couldn't row one more time.

So while the end of this day finds me still broken, still hurting, still rowing with tired arms and foggy glasses... I am freed from the lie that waiting is a sin. Sometimes, God calls us to wait... and right now, He is calling ME to wait. He is calling me to sit calmly in His boat, row with all my heart, all my mind, and all my strength... and wait on Him. Because He WILL reveal Himself... when He steps on the boat, the wind ceases. It's just "not yet".

People fail. God NEVER fails.

So for now, I will sit in Jesus' boat, and Just.Keep.Rowing... praising His name all the day long.