With school starting tomorrow, along with the knowledge that my life will once again be filled with homework and notecards... I seem to be in a major cleaning mode. In the past few days, the family and I have started tackling some home projects that we have been putting off for awhile. One of them (which I was DREADING) was cleaning out the closets and getting organized for fall. I was dreading it for a few reasons, not the least of which was that there were some gorgeous dresses in a size 4 that I knew God was calling me to surrender to the “in your dreams” pile. hahaha. I decided I need to take some pressure off myself about conforming to the world's standards, so I was pretty liberal with my tossing. I finally decided it needed to get done, so I set up camp in the middle of my room and dedicated this morning and afternoon to the cleanse. I turned on some Jesus Culture and started reaching for the piles.
About a half hour later, I was in tears.
I hadn’t expected it to be so mentally draining. Sometimes, I really REALLY feel like I see life in photographs. I remember the outfit I was wearing when I met my best friend for the first time. I remember the shoes I wore my very first day of high school, and the blankie I slept with every night until junior high. I remember the shirt I was wearing when I entered into the house I now call home. I remember the headband I was wearing when my sweet friend asked me to be in her wedding. I remember the clothing I was wearing the day I was mistreated and broken in a way no one should ever experience. I remember the exact jeans I had on the day I found out my dad was in the hospital. I even remember the earrings I was wearing when I got a C on my anatomy exam that I had worked so hard to study for. I remember the bathing suit that I was wearing the first time Charlie and I jumped in the pool hand-in-hand. I remember the scarf I wore when I knelt before my amazing God and gave Him my WHOLE life, all of me.
I was missing Redding today, but in a different way. A way that I can't really describe. Perhaps because the outfits I put on now will have photographs attached from HERE. From this NEW place, with these NEW people. They won't be moments from The Stirring, or moments at the Echols, or moments with The Bride down the street. It seems like at this point, the hardest moments come in ways that are totally unexpected.
I sat on my floor and dreamed of the special moments of last year, with His beautiful people, for awhile. I miss them so much, and I daily mourn the loss of the little moments of life I take for granted with the people God has placed in my life.
As I made my way into my closet, I felt so heavy with sadness. I started throwing the too-small dresses into a giant bag while I had a little “conversation” with God. It was pretty one-sided.
At least it was at first.
After a few minutes, I looked up and saw the Carolyn walking toward me, carrying the bag that has her wedding dress in it. She was moving it to the garage. When I talk about “the Lord speaking to me,” it is in a time like this, when I feel a prompting to do something and I know that it is coming from Him. In this moment, I felt like I needed to unzip the bag. It seemed a little odd, but I know Him well enough to know that I should just obey the urging and let Him guide me to where I am supposed to be. I asked my sweet cousin, and she happily handed over the bag and headed upstairs to finish her own cleaning. I unzipped the bag and tuned my ear to a posture of listening.
I pulled the bottom of the dress out of the bag and the train came spilling out. I spread it out on the ground and studied it as visions of weddings began to dance through my head. I started to relax and my eyes drifted to the edges of the train. And I saw the most incredible, unexpected thing.
The hem of the gown is dirty. Really dirty.
And I know how it got that way. She walked down a church aisle, took photographs in the grass, and danced and ate her way to happiness. She lived in it.
And so I sat on my floor asking the Lord to show me why He had brought me here. I closed my eyes and imagined the hem of each wedding dress I had seen on a beautiful bride dancing with her new husband.
“… I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:2-5
I couldn’t remember the whole scripture in that exact moment, but the words “You are the bride of Christ” came to mind. I suddenly had an image in my mind of myself in a glorious white gown that floated all around me. A seemingly endless train chasing after me as I walked.
And then, Him.
I couldn’t see Him in my mind, but I felt a great peace as I imagined my hands, clutching at fabric all around me so I could run to where He was. I saw myself, falling before Him as my dirty gown settled all around me. Dirty from the hurt and the disappointment. Dirty from the dancing in joy. Dirty from years of memory making with friends. Dirty from loving deeply, richly, completely. Dirty from the fears, the dreams, the sorrow, the confusion. Dirty from the laughter, the regrets, the mistakes, the injustice of this world.
Stained by this life I have walked while my Savior whispered, “One day I will wipe your tears, my sweet bride…”
What a glorious hem surrounds us all. It follows us wherever we go, gathering up pieces of this life in anticipation of the glorious day we will meet Jesus face to face.
And one day, I will bow to the King of Kings, and I will worship Him.
And as He wipes the tears from my eyes, I will ask Him the question that cannot be answered fully from a closet floor... "Why did you bring me here, Lord?"
And in the meantime, I will start to think of my days like a wedding photograph. I will walk, veiled, down this long aisle, in breathless anticipation of the day that awaits me.
I will trust in the One who will make all things new in His time.
I will keep my eyes on He who waits for me.
I will.
Or rather, I do.
Thank you, Lord. May my life be an offering that brings You glory…,
Alyssa
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