I've been in Seattle for a few days, in case you didn't know :) I have been on all kinds of adventures, including: a trip to Lululemon, trips to swanky little coffee shops, clam chowder experiments, singing loud and obnoxiously, the GUM wall, Dick's, Pike's Place, Pho for dinner, story telling, and crazy driving. It's been a whirlwind of a few days, but such a blessing.
As I sat in today's coffee house of choice, stumbling through mounds and mounds of homework... I realized that this spontaneous trip to Seattle with a best friend is, in many ways, a last. LIFE is about to change. and it's about to change fast. In 245 days, sweet Caitlin will exchange vows with the love of her life, and begin a marriage journey. In 76 days, sweet Caitlin will begin the nursing program, two and half years away from a diploma and a bachelor's of science in nursing. And in approximately 11 hours, sweet Caitlin and I will begin the journey home from our last road trip for a while. It's a sobering, frightening, exciting, exhilarating, wild, unsettling, beautiful time. As a new season is about to begin, I find myself overwhelmed by the past year and a half. I know one thing for sure: I would not be where I am today if it weren't for the love of Jesus pouring out from Caitlin. Her life of obedience and confidence has brought me closer to Jesus.
... and because my thoughts are a jumbled mess when I attempt to talk out loud, I have some written words for you :)
Caitlin,
Age and time depart gently, and somehow I grasp at words and hugs and bright smiles and laughter and well wishes, as I ponder the reality that day becomes night and fall sinks into winter and your twelve year old self who hid away for hours watching The Little Princess, lost in the world of Narnia and battling illnesses with Ma and Pa and Laura and Mary... she has become this almost-twenty-one-year-old self, rooted in the lofty thoughts of Jesus and making her heart a home for the stories we all carry in us. How did that happen? What will this new season hold? What kind of beautiful, flourishing life might you grow?
You made it! You're HERE, in the nursing program... with a sparkling diamond on your finger, a family who bursts with pride to call you daughter/sister/fiancee, and friends who would do anything for you. As I sit here overcome with thankfulness for you, I am praying that you remain caught up in the wonder and majesty of Jesus, and in the adventure and work of obeying Him. Pray often, sweet girl. Beauty lies hidden in the small things. Seek it high and low in the hearts around you, in the moments of laughter outside with Ruby and Vincent, and the familiar accomplishment as you get another perfect score on that exam and veer towards the next one. Fly on the wings of anticipation even when you thud to the ground, because you were born to be a bird, Cait. So expect great, magnificent things. Rest deeply in the hope that when you wake up tomorrow, you will be able to love more fully and be more equipped to serve Him. Rest deeply in the hope that by leaning into the wind and the wonder, you will find His hands and His will and His love. Rest deeply in the promise that He dwells in your heart and you will be filled. You will be full to overflowing. Have patience with unresolved questions and anxiousness in your heart, and love the questions themselves as if they were locked treasure chests or books written in a romantic foreign language. Live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Trust that He has the most perfect timing.
I'm sitting on the purple sleeping bag that you mysteriously thought I ripped, surrounded by books and papers, clothes and blankets, and a long list of things I still need to get done before it's back to reality. My computer is crooning some Jesus Culture to me and I'm hiding from the massive amounts of homework. I don't know if you know this... but I used to write letters. Ask anyone I went to high school with, I was a writer. I wrote letter's to whisper in people's ears when I couldn't accurately speak over them in person. I wrote to surprise them. I wrote because words have always presented themselves to me, promised that they'll send my heart out into the world if only I spend time with them. I wrote in the hope that I would speak over them the miraculous words "You are extraordinary", because how many of us get told that every day? As I thought about you and your beautiful heart tonight, I realized how much I miss saying that to people. I think somewhere between the disappointment of love, the hurt, and the chaos of turning 16, then 17... I lost the pattern of watching what is extraordinary about people. And then I met YOU, and your life undoubtedly crossed over into mine, and wove itself into some of the deepest places in my heart. So I want you to know, beautiful Caitlin, that You.Are.Extraordinary. I don't know how to compile the words in a more elegant way, but that word, extraordinary, seems to fit. I am thinking about how you have journeyed with me to so many different places- a place of insecurity and unworthiness, a place of desired selflessness that was driven by fear, a place of uncertainty and discouragement, a place of joy and total abandonment, a place of excitement and great anticipation, a place of healing and hope, a place of redemption and love.
Sometimes I worry that I'm not communicating the words correctly, and you can't hear me say them. So picture this: We're sitting in Starbucks. Or it could be the Teacup, I suppose. Or Bustle. But wherever we are, I have my hands cupped around a green tea or caramel apple cider. I'm wearing jeans, the shoes that I copied from you, and a sweatshirt because I somehow think it makes me look sportier. hahaha. I keep putting my drink down because I talk with my hands to make my point. I might almost knock your drink over once or twice. I lean into to hear you over the murmurs around us, and then I lean back with a mischevious grin on my face and ask, "So. What's on your heart today?" I can't help it. I just think that's a better question than what scrubs you wore the other day, or what your favorite gum is right now. I want to know the answers, and hold them up to the light streaming in the windows and share them with you, so you can see just how extraordinary you are. So we're sitting in Starbucks, drinking our tea (but you obviously have some kind of coffee) and exclaiming over the questions and answers we have found, over the realization that you have a Barbie smile, over your excitement to be a Read. And then I lean in, and I tell you this, because whether you're wandering through Italy with your dad, wrangling two boys into doing homework after jiu-jitsu, or typing a Facebook message to your life group... you are extraordinary.
You are an extraordinary writer, because only you have the voice you have, and only you carry the words the way you carry them. You are an extraordinary listener, because in our imaginary Starbucks afternoon, you've been listening to me and making space for me to ramble on and on, meandering through ideas and books and questions. You are an extraordinary searcher, and asker of questions and laughter filled, smile-so-wide-it-scrunches-up-your-eyes person, because you let things weigh what they weigh, not too heavily or too lightly. Because you have helped me see what's extraordinary about the world, even when I don't know how to love it or how to see the beauty, or how to make sense of Endocrine system.
So thank you. For being extraordinary.
For being in my life, and in my heart- and for letting me touch a small part of yours.
To the girl with the Barbie smile and the most beautiful heart, I love you. I can't wait to watch you SOAR as you continue to walk in the gifts and plans that Jesus has laid out for you.
I will be praying, cheering for you the whole way. You've got this. Thanks for a beautiful season. I am blessed to know you.
~Alyssa
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