Notice Me.

Do you notice me? Do you see me?

This is a core question for so many people; especially women. I have been thinking about this SO much lately. I sit in four walls for 95% of my days and long for someone to recognize what I am doing. Whether it be attempting to comprehend a scientific process in school, wrangling three boys to the table for dinner, or studying in the confines of a bedroom... I so often find myself walking the halls of school or home and wondering if someone will see how I am balancing home and job and school and life. After nineteen years of living, why do I still strive for someone to notice me??

I've said it countless times on this blog, and if you've spent any amount of time with me lately, you've most likely heard me say it: God has allowed tremendous amounts of growth to take place in my heart over the past year and a half. He has (and continues to) strip me of pride and selfishness, replacing it with a profound love for His heart and His people.

But I am human. I am full of ugly sin, and daily fight for righteousness and the pursuit of holiness.

So here's a little raw piece of Alyssa:
As space has opened up in my life to read, study, write, and create... there are still days when I find myself not doing it for Jesus. I find that I'm doing it for you. Because I want you to notice me. I want my "stats" to rise. I want you to laugh at status updates, and leave comments of encouragement.

And on days when I realize this, I don't write. Because I want my words to be from a place of humility and the desire to bring Jesus glory. The striving for attention holds me back. It keeps me from who I am meant to be in Christ. It keeps me from completely surrendering control and wholly following Him. It keeps me from walking in freedom.

Freedom comes from intentionally following Jesus, pursuing His heart and loving His truth.

I've moved from the stronghold of fear to a place of recognition and desired abandonment of control. There are so many who know who I am intended to be, yet work hard to keep from becoming that. My eyes are so easily moved inward at SELF. How I pray that the Lord will continue to move, shove, and shake my vision upward.

So that I can read and remember. So that I can continue to write as an expression of worship and create as an expression of joy. I want every move I make to be intentional, purposeful, and to be made for Him.

Beautiful God,
You are moving and shaking in me. I so easily creep back into life, into fears, into fleshly desires. I neglect to sit, process, and thank You for what You are doing in my life. You created and cleared a space in my head and in my heart, yet I am so quick to attempt to fill it up with the flesh. Oh, the temptation to sit in other's lives and not mine. Clear these temptations, Father. Make space. Give me the discipline and focus to clear times and areas for me to sit with You... again and again. Bring clarity. Bring memory. Like glue on my brain, let Your Words stick. Wake me in the morning, pursue me in the afternoon.
Move in me, Jesus.
I love you.