When I was in junior high, we took tests.
We took academic tests, spiritual gifts tests, and personality tests. My little twelve year old self would count down the days until it was time to find out what I had in common with a beaver, a golden retriever, or the color red. They've always intrigued me. Perhaps because I love the soothing monotony of plugging in numbers and filling in bubbles. Or perhaps it's because I've never taken one that's lived up to it's promise of "defining me." But despite the why's and regardless of the letdowns, I still take them every once in a while. Just sometimes, to see if anything changes. To watch my answers shift and move, a sure sign of growth.
This week, I took a test that so impolitely screamed at me, "DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY." Yes, I took quite possibly the most UN-scientific quiz of them all entitled, What Punctuation Mark Are You?. Cue laughter.
But honestly, in that moment, there was nothing I wanted to know more than which punctuation mark I resembled. I'm a writer, what do you expect?! So I did what ANY completely normal, average, grammar-loving girl would do... I checked several boxes and hit submit.
Test Results:
Alyssa, age 19: The Comma.
Um. Really? Out of ALL the fascinating punctuation marks I get the COMMA?! I really just didn't get it. I felt like I was more of an exclamation point. Ya know, exuberant and dramatic? Passionate? Or maybe even the question mark? I do have lots of perplexing thoughts and philosophical ideas. haha!
But, as the hours wore on, I started to get it. Maybe this nonsense quiz that has no real grip on reality was right.
I am a lot like the comma. But not because that is truly my personality. I think if this were truly personality, I would be a combination of the question mark and the exclamation point: a passionately deep thinker. But no, I get the comma. Because there is a little comma in each of us.
Grammatically, the comma is sensitive. It likes to be included, needed even, but not overused. For a writer, or even just a high schooler wanting a decent grade, an out of place comma stands out in its own way. Perhaps even louder than the exclamation point, at times. The comma brings words together... avoiding the harsh disconnect of the period.
Those mimic a few traits of mine, and most likely a few of yours. But really? I think what every single one of us has in common with the super versatile comma in that we are each so unfinished.
Commas are imperative when listing a series of items. They separate each important piece, and let the reader know there is more to follow. Sentences never, ever end with a comma.
You and I are are not yet completed works. There are beautiful, complicated pieces to be written in our stories. There's more to add, more to understand, more to learn.
I'll be a comma. Sure. Because on my own, I am incomplete.
But I know the best is yet to come.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6
If you were a punctuation mark, which one would you be?
Love,
A Comma Girl :)
Friday, March 23, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Thank you, Stranger.
I got in a car accident yesterday. A bad one.
It was scary. I had a child in the car. In one split second, my day went from normal to far from normal.
There are lots of details to be worked through, lots of checks to be written, and phone calls to make.
But really, I just wish I could thank the stranger again.
See, not ten seconds after we crashed, there was a young mom at the side of my window, asking if I was okay, telling me to get out of the car. She helped sweet Claire out of the backseat and ushered us to the side of the road, safe from oncoming traffic and the smoking car.
She ran back to her car, and came back with a cupcake. A cupcake. In the most dire of circumstances, this sweet lady came back with a cupcake. The six year old was thrilled. Elated, actually.
There were only a few minutes between the accident and the arrival of the police and the firefighters. But in those few minutes, the stranger asked me something.
"How are you really, Alyssa?"
My initial thought: "Are you serious right now? I just in a major car wreck. I'm awful!"
But she waited. Just waited for me to tell her.
So while the car was smoking, my knees were throbbing, and Claire ate her cupcake... her words grappled with my heart.
I can't remember the last time someone added in that word - really - the one that changed the trite question you and I hear every single day.
So we stood in the bushes. Claire grasping her sugar, me tasting salt... and I told her just some small pieces of who I am. A total stranger.
She waited as I spoke, the most peaceful expression of her face. She just listened. She nodded her head, and seemed to tilt it with empathy. Then she hugged me, and asked me if she could pray. So on Churn Creek road with sirens blaring in the near future, she prayed for peace. For strength. For absence of pain.
The police arrived, and she gave her eye witness account. She came back over to Claire and I, and I thanked her for the cupcake. But mostly for asking. And for listening. and then she left.
Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I drove home in the backseat of my dad's car, burdened with the damage of a car and the reality that I had gotten in yet another car accident. But also I was feeling overwhelmingly blessed by the stranger's kindness.
We're good at nodding our heads and saying, "I'm great, thanks for asking! Everything's wonderful." I didn't even know I was waiting for someone to really ask, and not be afraid of the answer.
If you're reading this today, you're most likely in one of two places. You are finding yourself with tiny salt pools, silently begging for someone to really ask you how you're doing. The burden seems heavy today. OR, you know you need to go find that co-worker, that lonely friend, that neighbor and ASK, "Hey. How are you, really?"
I walked away from that car accident yesterday feeling sore but blessed. Today, I am wondering how many women in my life are waiting for me to really ask, then wait for the answer, then listen to her worries, hopes, and dreams, then pray for her life and her heart.
So often with our racing and rushing, we miss the opportunity to ask. To listen. We fill the space with empty, meaningless words and continue to ignore the secluded pain that isn't God's ideal for the body of Christ.
WE are the body. YOU. ME. We need to carry one another's burdens. Galations 6:2 tells us so.
I don't even know that sweet stranger's name from yesterday. But if I could talk with her again, I'd tell her thank you. And I'd tell her how much her encouragement and peaceful spirit meant to me. And I'd let her know that I hope to be a beacon of hope for someone else, just as she was for me.
You never, ever know how your simple words can impact someone.
So, how are you?
Really?
Love to you,
Lyss
It was scary. I had a child in the car. In one split second, my day went from normal to far from normal.
There are lots of details to be worked through, lots of checks to be written, and phone calls to make.
But really, I just wish I could thank the stranger again.
See, not ten seconds after we crashed, there was a young mom at the side of my window, asking if I was okay, telling me to get out of the car. She helped sweet Claire out of the backseat and ushered us to the side of the road, safe from oncoming traffic and the smoking car.
She ran back to her car, and came back with a cupcake. A cupcake. In the most dire of circumstances, this sweet lady came back with a cupcake. The six year old was thrilled. Elated, actually.
There were only a few minutes between the accident and the arrival of the police and the firefighters. But in those few minutes, the stranger asked me something.
"How are you really, Alyssa?"
My initial thought: "Are you serious right now? I just in a major car wreck. I'm awful!"
But she waited. Just waited for me to tell her.
So while the car was smoking, my knees were throbbing, and Claire ate her cupcake... her words grappled with my heart.
I can't remember the last time someone added in that word - really - the one that changed the trite question you and I hear every single day.
So we stood in the bushes. Claire grasping her sugar, me tasting salt... and I told her just some small pieces of who I am. A total stranger.
She waited as I spoke, the most peaceful expression of her face. She just listened. She nodded her head, and seemed to tilt it with empathy. Then she hugged me, and asked me if she could pray. So on Churn Creek road with sirens blaring in the near future, she prayed for peace. For strength. For absence of pain.
The police arrived, and she gave her eye witness account. She came back over to Claire and I, and I thanked her for the cupcake. But mostly for asking. And for listening. and then she left.
Sometimes, we just need to be heard. I drove home in the backseat of my dad's car, burdened with the damage of a car and the reality that I had gotten in yet another car accident. But also I was feeling overwhelmingly blessed by the stranger's kindness.
We're good at nodding our heads and saying, "I'm great, thanks for asking! Everything's wonderful." I didn't even know I was waiting for someone to really ask, and not be afraid of the answer.
If you're reading this today, you're most likely in one of two places. You are finding yourself with tiny salt pools, silently begging for someone to really ask you how you're doing. The burden seems heavy today. OR, you know you need to go find that co-worker, that lonely friend, that neighbor and ASK, "Hey. How are you, really?"
I walked away from that car accident yesterday feeling sore but blessed. Today, I am wondering how many women in my life are waiting for me to really ask, then wait for the answer, then listen to her worries, hopes, and dreams, then pray for her life and her heart.
So often with our racing and rushing, we miss the opportunity to ask. To listen. We fill the space with empty, meaningless words and continue to ignore the secluded pain that isn't God's ideal for the body of Christ.
WE are the body. YOU. ME. We need to carry one another's burdens. Galations 6:2 tells us so.
I don't even know that sweet stranger's name from yesterday. But if I could talk with her again, I'd tell her thank you. And I'd tell her how much her encouragement and peaceful spirit meant to me. And I'd let her know that I hope to be a beacon of hope for someone else, just as she was for me.
You never, ever know how your simple words can impact someone.
So, how are you?
Really?
Love to you,
Lyss
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Questions and Answers.
Okay, friends. There were lots of questions regarding the decision to go back to school, and I've decided to answer some of them for you :) In no particular order, here are some of the questions I received! I am answering them to the best of my ability, and am praying that thoughts are expressed clearly and effectively. Thank you for your support and concern!
1. What happened to Germany?
This wins for "most-asked-question"! I had the opportunity to fly across the world and spend a year in Germany nannying for a beautiful family while experiencing a different culture and learning a new language. Sounds dreamy, right? I was all over it. I was researching plane tickets, talking with friends and family, and even had a skype date with the family. So, why did I suddenly change my mind? First of all, it was FAST. Fast isn't bad all the time, but I would've been leaving March 19th. At the latest. That was less than three weeks to quit my jobs, PACK, and say goodbye. Yikes! Daunting, but I was still considering it. Then, there was the financial side. Reality kicking in, here. Plane tickets all the way around the world are expensive. and I would be buying four of them! Why four? Because there was no way I was going to miss Caitlin's wedding in June. Oh, but I would be missing the bridal shower and all of the planning process. Some of the biggest concerns I had were the lack of fellowship and community, and not being plugged into a Bible-believing church. A LARGE majority of Germany is Catholic, and the town I would be living in was small, so variety would've been scarce. Then, what would I do once I got back? I would have an empty bank account, no job, and no degree to get a job. It just wasn't making sense. However, sometimes God's perfect plans don't seem to make sense. So I prayed about it :) and simply didn't feel peace about going. So I made the decision to stay!
2. Does going back to school mean you want to be a career woman now?
No. Not at all. My deepest desire has always been to be a wife and a mom. But I also now that every one of us is called to serve the Lord in each season of our lives, and right now that means serving Him while I'm single. If that means getting a degree and working, then I will do it gladly for the glory of God.
3. You mentioned going to LA and making the decision not to go back while in a dorm room with your friends. Do you look back and see that peer pressure played a part in your decision to leave school?
This is an excellent question. and I appreciate that it was asked! For those of you that don't understand this question, one of the girls I was staying with the week I was there is an excellent photographer and nanny, and had made the decision long before I even considered it to only go to school for a year. and I deeply respected and trusted her opinion and thoughts. So I absolutely understand the inquiries about peer pressure! Let me just say that I take full responsibility for the decisions I have made and will make, and would never place that upon someone else's shoulders. Sure, there will always be plenty of influences and voices in our lives (some good, some bad), but ultimately, choices are ours to make. I made the decision not to go back to school. I did. Not my friends. Not my family. Not the girls in that dorm room that week in LA.
4. Is going into debt and having to take out loans really the most responsible option?
I could dedicate a whole blog post about thoughts on doing what's "responsible." But for now, I will just say once again that my security does not lie in finances. Going back to school is where I'm meant to be, and taking out loans is part of that process! The rest is up to my perfect God. I know that the long term gain seriously outweighs the short-term sacrifice. So as long as I am being obedient and placing my trust in Him, I need not worry.
5. What happened to God's call on your life to pursue sex trafficking relief?
Love this question. This is still very much a HUGE part of my heart, and nothing about going to school takes that away. Getting a degree is simply a means to pursue this deeper and more fully. Lots of organizations and programs require/prefer the individuals that have close contact with the girls that have been brought out of such horror have a degree in one of three things: child development, education, or nursing. I'm already half-way through the nursing track, so it made the decision easy. The degree is a vessel in which I will be able to (Lord-willing) carry immense love and deep hope into the homes and hearts of these girls.
6. Did you lose your nanny jobs?
NO! In fact, the women I work for played a huge part in my decision to go back! They were nothing but supportive and encouraged me to pursue God's call on my life. I am so thankful. I will continue to work for both of them when I go back to school, though obviously the schedule will look different :)
7. What do your friends think? The same ones who encouraged you in your decision not to go back?
I've said it so many times. I have incredible friends. When I mentioned the idea of not going back to school, the thoughts were almost completely synonymous: we'll be praying alongside you. There were many concerns expressed, and encouragement was given, too. Ultimately, each of the women in my life support any decision that I make if it's what God is calling me to do. What an undeserved gift from the Lord.
8. I thought you were only doing nursing because others wanted you to?
Those of you who have thought this are correct! I WAS doing it for other people. To make my parents proud, for the status it incurs in society. It looked good, it sounded good. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. So I needed to step out of it, and realign the purpose. It's not for me. It's not for my parents. and it's certainly not for accolades or certificates. It's for Jesus. and for those girls living in bondage, too.
9. Do YOU want to go back, or are you going back because God is calling you to?
Easy answer to this one. I want to go back because God is calling me to :)
10. Do you regret taking a break? You'd be so much further ahead if you hadn't.
Easy answer for this one, too: NO. I don't. If I could go back, I would change some of the decisions I made along the way that lead to the break... but the break itself? No way. It was absolutely what was needed in this season. and more practically speaking? I am able to do things in this season that I would not have been able to do (to the extent I am doing them) if I was in school. I might've been further ahead academically speaking. But that's not really what's most important to me. I just want to be pleasing my Savior. So if being obedient to Him means I am "further behind" in school, then that's alright with me :)
I hope this gives you a little bit more insight into the heart behind the decision. Thank you again for your prayer and concern. I sure do love that I get to walk life with such beautiful people.
Thankful for the perfect provision of my perfect God.
Love,
Lyss
1. What happened to Germany?
This wins for "most-asked-question"! I had the opportunity to fly across the world and spend a year in Germany nannying for a beautiful family while experiencing a different culture and learning a new language. Sounds dreamy, right? I was all over it. I was researching plane tickets, talking with friends and family, and even had a skype date with the family. So, why did I suddenly change my mind? First of all, it was FAST. Fast isn't bad all the time, but I would've been leaving March 19th. At the latest. That was less than three weeks to quit my jobs, PACK, and say goodbye. Yikes! Daunting, but I was still considering it. Then, there was the financial side. Reality kicking in, here. Plane tickets all the way around the world are expensive. and I would be buying four of them! Why four? Because there was no way I was going to miss Caitlin's wedding in June. Oh, but I would be missing the bridal shower and all of the planning process. Some of the biggest concerns I had were the lack of fellowship and community, and not being plugged into a Bible-believing church. A LARGE majority of Germany is Catholic, and the town I would be living in was small, so variety would've been scarce. Then, what would I do once I got back? I would have an empty bank account, no job, and no degree to get a job. It just wasn't making sense. However, sometimes God's perfect plans don't seem to make sense. So I prayed about it :) and simply didn't feel peace about going. So I made the decision to stay!
2. Does going back to school mean you want to be a career woman now?
No. Not at all. My deepest desire has always been to be a wife and a mom. But I also now that every one of us is called to serve the Lord in each season of our lives, and right now that means serving Him while I'm single. If that means getting a degree and working, then I will do it gladly for the glory of God.
3. You mentioned going to LA and making the decision not to go back while in a dorm room with your friends. Do you look back and see that peer pressure played a part in your decision to leave school?
This is an excellent question. and I appreciate that it was asked! For those of you that don't understand this question, one of the girls I was staying with the week I was there is an excellent photographer and nanny, and had made the decision long before I even considered it to only go to school for a year. and I deeply respected and trusted her opinion and thoughts. So I absolutely understand the inquiries about peer pressure! Let me just say that I take full responsibility for the decisions I have made and will make, and would never place that upon someone else's shoulders. Sure, there will always be plenty of influences and voices in our lives (some good, some bad), but ultimately, choices are ours to make. I made the decision not to go back to school. I did. Not my friends. Not my family. Not the girls in that dorm room that week in LA.
4. Is going into debt and having to take out loans really the most responsible option?
I could dedicate a whole blog post about thoughts on doing what's "responsible." But for now, I will just say once again that my security does not lie in finances. Going back to school is where I'm meant to be, and taking out loans is part of that process! The rest is up to my perfect God. I know that the long term gain seriously outweighs the short-term sacrifice. So as long as I am being obedient and placing my trust in Him, I need not worry.
5. What happened to God's call on your life to pursue sex trafficking relief?
Love this question. This is still very much a HUGE part of my heart, and nothing about going to school takes that away. Getting a degree is simply a means to pursue this deeper and more fully. Lots of organizations and programs require/prefer the individuals that have close contact with the girls that have been brought out of such horror have a degree in one of three things: child development, education, or nursing. I'm already half-way through the nursing track, so it made the decision easy. The degree is a vessel in which I will be able to (Lord-willing) carry immense love and deep hope into the homes and hearts of these girls.
6. Did you lose your nanny jobs?
NO! In fact, the women I work for played a huge part in my decision to go back! They were nothing but supportive and encouraged me to pursue God's call on my life. I am so thankful. I will continue to work for both of them when I go back to school, though obviously the schedule will look different :)
7. What do your friends think? The same ones who encouraged you in your decision not to go back?
I've said it so many times. I have incredible friends. When I mentioned the idea of not going back to school, the thoughts were almost completely synonymous: we'll be praying alongside you. There were many concerns expressed, and encouragement was given, too. Ultimately, each of the women in my life support any decision that I make if it's what God is calling me to do. What an undeserved gift from the Lord.
8. I thought you were only doing nursing because others wanted you to?
Those of you who have thought this are correct! I WAS doing it for other people. To make my parents proud, for the status it incurs in society. It looked good, it sounded good. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. So I needed to step out of it, and realign the purpose. It's not for me. It's not for my parents. and it's certainly not for accolades or certificates. It's for Jesus. and for those girls living in bondage, too.
9. Do YOU want to go back, or are you going back because God is calling you to?
Easy answer to this one. I want to go back because God is calling me to :)
10. Do you regret taking a break? You'd be so much further ahead if you hadn't.
Easy answer for this one, too: NO. I don't. If I could go back, I would change some of the decisions I made along the way that lead to the break... but the break itself? No way. It was absolutely what was needed in this season. and more practically speaking? I am able to do things in this season that I would not have been able to do (to the extent I am doing them) if I was in school. I might've been further ahead academically speaking. But that's not really what's most important to me. I just want to be pleasing my Savior. So if being obedient to Him means I am "further behind" in school, then that's alright with me :)
I hope this gives you a little bit more insight into the heart behind the decision. Thank you again for your prayer and concern. I sure do love that I get to walk life with such beautiful people.
Thankful for the perfect provision of my perfect God.
Love,
Lyss
Sunday, March 11, 2012
God > Me.
I'm going back to school.
Yep.
You read that correctly. For those of you rubbing your temples in confusion and quite possibly mouthing the words, "man, that girl is ALL over the place. She needs to get it together"... I don't blame you. From the outside looking in, I can imagine that my life the past year looks like a jumbled, chaotic mess.
I'm going to level with you here: It has been.
It's been a little jumbled, a little chaotic, and a whole lot of messy.
But my amazing God has been stable and steadfast the whole.entire.time.
And it's for His glory, and His alone, that I'll share with you my heart behind this change. Just going to warn you now, this might be a long one :)
Here's a little background. Almost a year ago, I moved to Sacramento. Without getting into a whole bunch of detail, it was a really hard season. I don't think I realized how hard it was until I was out and able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was just swimming and swimming trying to keep my head above water. About six months into moving, I took a trip to LA. I spent the week with one of my dearest childhood friends and her roommate. We explored, laughed, learned, ate, even argued a bit. It was refreshing. That's the best way I can describe it. That week changed my life. It was there in the confines of a little dorm room that I decided not to go back to school. I was excited. I felt peace. I was free. Then back to Sacramento it was. I had a few more months of school, then I got to go home. Oh, I was excited. Though there were voices of concern (which I so appreciated/appreciate) and MANY glances of disgust, I had a solid support system and knew that the choice not to go back to school was a good one.
I thought this was definite. No more school. Forever. Done. Gone. Away.
But I was wrong =] God just chose to take me away from school for a season to teach me some really important lessons.
See, this break from school? SO not a mistake. I do NOT look at this semester and say, "what a waste!" At.All. There are experiences, opportunities, and PEOPLE that are in my life that wouldn't be a part of me if not for these past few months. My first year and a half of school wasn't a mistake, and neither is this season.
See, the stark reality in this season revealed so much truth to me. The first of which was this: the idol must go. For me, that idol was school. My education. My GPA. Blurry lines between dreams, reality, promises, and faith created countless opportunities for confusion. But in the dark of my room just a few weeks ago, I knew: the demands I was placing on myself were too much.
My heart made demands from my Jesus who gave me the promise. But rather than seeking Him, I sought to promise. Promise exceptional grades and a nursing degree by the time I was 22. Promise awards and certificates and supreme focus. All of which are amazing, incredible things. But those promises became idols.
When would all of this happen? How would it all happen? Why are certain things happening the way they are? What is going ON?!
Yet in all the questioning, I forgot who had given me the ability to learn in the first place.
Demanding that my idea of a picture perfect life be fulfilled, I bypassed the most important questions of all: Who is the faithful One? Who is the God of Promise? Who is the One you are seeking with all your heart, mind, and strength?
I was seeking blessing, rather than One who bestows blessing. I was focused on earthly promises that I had conjured up in my academically minded brain... instead of focusing on the one living God who is forever faithful.
So this semester? This semester apart from school has been devoted to laying it down. Laying down the idol of education. Though it takes time to break unhealthy patterns, and I will continue to pray against this as I enter back into the madness, the disciple required will now reap humility and peace in the future.
An idol does nothing but weigh us down.
"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." John 10:10
An idol kills focus, steals life, and hinders sight for seeing God's heart. So in laying down the idol, running the opposite direction, and focusing on my God who gives all good things, I was able to put things in their proper perspective.
I didn't finish John 10:10. The rest of the verse states... "I come that they might have life and have it more abundantly."
AMAZING. I can steal, kill, and destroy. Or I can have abundant life.
The choice was easy. I layed down the idol that kept my life from living fully in the latter option.
This season has carried quite a lot of discipline. And not all of it has been enjoyable- it has been incredibly painful, at times.
I felt raw. Exposed. I couldn't hide anymore. So I was forced to read back through incredible years of my life story and see just how perfectly I have been covered with the Father's love. His grace. His protection. I was stripped from my place of comfort in order to be led closer to Him. Deeper into His heart, to know Him more fully.
And now my eyes have seen. Under His covering and the space apart from school, I have grown. I never stopped growing. I am able to see that my God is GOOD, and He wants only the absolute best for me. He loves me (and you) way too much to give me less than I need. With eyes open wide and heart surrendered, I am trusting that there will be a harvest of miraculous beauty through the life He creates.
I still feel that vulnerability of an exposed spirit. But I say with complete honesty that I want nothing more than for Jesus to do what He wills with my life.
I prayed that prayer a few weeks ago. In a new way. Almost desperate for direction in the restlessness.
And I believe (after much prayer!) that the direction He's leading is BACK to school. But with a completely (and I do mean COMPLETELY) different mindset.
No longer do I want to adorn myself with things that are comfortable. No longer hiding from who He has called me to be. I have a deep, deep longing for Him to burn, to sear His love right through the deepest parts of my soul, and let nothing stand in the way of the life that is spoken into me.
I am resting in His arms, trusting that He has a grand purpose and plan in everything (even the messy and chaotic!). I am choosing to lay down worry, and receive His peace. I'm letting go of the worth I found in education and have been clinging to so tightly, trusting that a degree will come with lots of hard work and determination, not the abandonment of my identity. I'm letting go of unrealistic expectations, and I'm choosing to rest in grace.
I'm basking it it. Bathing it in. Diving in it. Dancing in it. I just might jump and splash in it, too.
And then, when I find myself so exhausted, and needing a nap, I'm going to take it. and when I wake up, I'm going to remind myself not to take myself so seriously.
Because His grace is big enough to make beautiful, perfect purpose out of everything.
I took a step in faith and decided not to go back to school.
Now?
Now I'm taking a step of faith to dive back in.
I'm nervous, excited, and willing. Oh so willing.
Thankful that my messy is God's beautiful.
Love to you, in whatever season you're in,
Lyss
Yep.
You read that correctly. For those of you rubbing your temples in confusion and quite possibly mouthing the words, "man, that girl is ALL over the place. She needs to get it together"... I don't blame you. From the outside looking in, I can imagine that my life the past year looks like a jumbled, chaotic mess.
I'm going to level with you here: It has been.
It's been a little jumbled, a little chaotic, and a whole lot of messy.
But my amazing God has been stable and steadfast the whole.entire.time.
And it's for His glory, and His alone, that I'll share with you my heart behind this change. Just going to warn you now, this might be a long one :)
Here's a little background. Almost a year ago, I moved to Sacramento. Without getting into a whole bunch of detail, it was a really hard season. I don't think I realized how hard it was until I was out and able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was just swimming and swimming trying to keep my head above water. About six months into moving, I took a trip to LA. I spent the week with one of my dearest childhood friends and her roommate. We explored, laughed, learned, ate, even argued a bit. It was refreshing. That's the best way I can describe it. That week changed my life. It was there in the confines of a little dorm room that I decided not to go back to school. I was excited. I felt peace. I was free. Then back to Sacramento it was. I had a few more months of school, then I got to go home. Oh, I was excited. Though there were voices of concern (which I so appreciated/appreciate) and MANY glances of disgust, I had a solid support system and knew that the choice not to go back to school was a good one.
I thought this was definite. No more school. Forever. Done. Gone. Away.
But I was wrong =] God just chose to take me away from school for a season to teach me some really important lessons.
See, this break from school? SO not a mistake. I do NOT look at this semester and say, "what a waste!" At.All. There are experiences, opportunities, and PEOPLE that are in my life that wouldn't be a part of me if not for these past few months. My first year and a half of school wasn't a mistake, and neither is this season.
See, the stark reality in this season revealed so much truth to me. The first of which was this: the idol must go. For me, that idol was school. My education. My GPA. Blurry lines between dreams, reality, promises, and faith created countless opportunities for confusion. But in the dark of my room just a few weeks ago, I knew: the demands I was placing on myself were too much.
My heart made demands from my Jesus who gave me the promise. But rather than seeking Him, I sought to promise. Promise exceptional grades and a nursing degree by the time I was 22. Promise awards and certificates and supreme focus. All of which are amazing, incredible things. But those promises became idols.
When would all of this happen? How would it all happen? Why are certain things happening the way they are? What is going ON?!
Yet in all the questioning, I forgot who had given me the ability to learn in the first place.
Demanding that my idea of a picture perfect life be fulfilled, I bypassed the most important questions of all: Who is the faithful One? Who is the God of Promise? Who is the One you are seeking with all your heart, mind, and strength?
I was seeking blessing, rather than One who bestows blessing. I was focused on earthly promises that I had conjured up in my academically minded brain... instead of focusing on the one living God who is forever faithful.
So this semester? This semester apart from school has been devoted to laying it down. Laying down the idol of education. Though it takes time to break unhealthy patterns, and I will continue to pray against this as I enter back into the madness, the disciple required will now reap humility and peace in the future.
An idol does nothing but weigh us down.
"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." John 10:10
An idol kills focus, steals life, and hinders sight for seeing God's heart. So in laying down the idol, running the opposite direction, and focusing on my God who gives all good things, I was able to put things in their proper perspective.
I didn't finish John 10:10. The rest of the verse states... "I come that they might have life and have it more abundantly."
AMAZING. I can steal, kill, and destroy. Or I can have abundant life.
The choice was easy. I layed down the idol that kept my life from living fully in the latter option.
This season has carried quite a lot of discipline. And not all of it has been enjoyable- it has been incredibly painful, at times.
I felt raw. Exposed. I couldn't hide anymore. So I was forced to read back through incredible years of my life story and see just how perfectly I have been covered with the Father's love. His grace. His protection. I was stripped from my place of comfort in order to be led closer to Him. Deeper into His heart, to know Him more fully.
And now my eyes have seen. Under His covering and the space apart from school, I have grown. I never stopped growing. I am able to see that my God is GOOD, and He wants only the absolute best for me. He loves me (and you) way too much to give me less than I need. With eyes open wide and heart surrendered, I am trusting that there will be a harvest of miraculous beauty through the life He creates.
I still feel that vulnerability of an exposed spirit. But I say with complete honesty that I want nothing more than for Jesus to do what He wills with my life.
I prayed that prayer a few weeks ago. In a new way. Almost desperate for direction in the restlessness.
And I believe (after much prayer!) that the direction He's leading is BACK to school. But with a completely (and I do mean COMPLETELY) different mindset.
No longer do I want to adorn myself with things that are comfortable. No longer hiding from who He has called me to be. I have a deep, deep longing for Him to burn, to sear His love right through the deepest parts of my soul, and let nothing stand in the way of the life that is spoken into me.
I am resting in His arms, trusting that He has a grand purpose and plan in everything (even the messy and chaotic!). I am choosing to lay down worry, and receive His peace. I'm letting go of the worth I found in education and have been clinging to so tightly, trusting that a degree will come with lots of hard work and determination, not the abandonment of my identity. I'm letting go of unrealistic expectations, and I'm choosing to rest in grace.
I'm basking it it. Bathing it in. Diving in it. Dancing in it. I just might jump and splash in it, too.
And then, when I find myself so exhausted, and needing a nap, I'm going to take it. and when I wake up, I'm going to remind myself not to take myself so seriously.
Because His grace is big enough to make beautiful, perfect purpose out of everything.
I took a step in faith and decided not to go back to school.
Now?
Now I'm taking a step of faith to dive back in.
I'm nervous, excited, and willing. Oh so willing.
Thankful that my messy is God's beautiful.
Love to you, in whatever season you're in,
Lyss
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Rewind. Pause. Start Again.
You have to pay attention.
You have to look for it.
It's in that split second when you're listening, really listening to someone speak. That second where the gaze shifts slightly to the ground. They cough, or mumble, or laugh... a spark. then just as fast as it appeared, it's gone.
I've had several conversations this week with college students. I've been asking the same question: "What are you passionate about?" I love this question.
The response?
Well, I've heard a lot about majors and plans and what's the most practical. I've heard a lot about the economy and the demands of society.
But you know what else I've heard? Every.single.time?
A mumble, a gentle whisper about something else.
Hey, wait.
I found what I've been watching for. A hint of a dream.
For a second, there's a spark. A smile dances on the corners of lips. The mumble about owning a business, writing a book, having a family, teaching in Africa...
That's what I'm paying attention to.
These quiet dreams are seeds for something bigger.
After that half-spoken sentence, something else gets thrown in.
But that's never going to happen.
Pipe dream, I guess.
It's totally not realistic.
Shifting and fidgeting and the checking of phones happens about now. Reality invades the space for the spark.
But beneath the should are unique desires deep from the heart of God that were designed to create. To bloom. To flourish. Yet so often we bury them.
I'm rewinding. Rewinding. Rewinding.
Go back.
I want to hear more about the last part. The thing at the end. Except this time? Say it loud. Say it clear. Say it with hope.
Say it like it's possible. Because it is!
Say you want to work as a doctor in the prisons.
Say you want to open an art gallery.
Say you want to get married.
Say you want to be a ballerina.
Say you want to record an album.
Say you want to play basketball for a living.
Say you want to travel to the corners of the world and love on kids.
Say it LOUD. Because I hear you.
This time, look me in the eyes. Because that spark? It's really beautiful.
Reality? Reality is God places dreams in us with purpose and passion. Too often, the spark we are putting out is an idea that could spread like a forest fire to hearts that need it.
Yep. Dreams are needed.
So go ahead. Pull up a chair, sweet friends.
When you open your heart, you'll get no disappointment from me. I am incredibly flawed and learning more every day about grace.
I think deep under the responsibilities of every day life lives a God-sized dream that needs to be spoken.
Remember all those dreams. All those crazy wishes. All those seemingly impossible ideas.
They exist for a reason.
The "penny-thrown-in-the-fountain" wishes.
The birthday candle hopes.
The staring-out-the-window, half asleep daydreams.
They matter. I really believe that.
Rewind.
Pause.
Start again.
When you speak those impossible dreams, your perfect God is listening. He's listening to each word, each whisper, each silence, each spark.
What are you passionate about?
Love,
Lyss
You have to look for it.
It's in that split second when you're listening, really listening to someone speak. That second where the gaze shifts slightly to the ground. They cough, or mumble, or laugh... a spark. then just as fast as it appeared, it's gone.
I've had several conversations this week with college students. I've been asking the same question: "What are you passionate about?" I love this question.
The response?
Well, I've heard a lot about majors and plans and what's the most practical. I've heard a lot about the economy and the demands of society.
But you know what else I've heard? Every.single.time?
A mumble, a gentle whisper about something else.
Hey, wait.
I found what I've been watching for. A hint of a dream.
For a second, there's a spark. A smile dances on the corners of lips. The mumble about owning a business, writing a book, having a family, teaching in Africa...
That's what I'm paying attention to.
These quiet dreams are seeds for something bigger.
After that half-spoken sentence, something else gets thrown in.
But that's never going to happen.
Pipe dream, I guess.
It's totally not realistic.
Shifting and fidgeting and the checking of phones happens about now. Reality invades the space for the spark.
But beneath the should are unique desires deep from the heart of God that were designed to create. To bloom. To flourish. Yet so often we bury them.
I'm rewinding. Rewinding. Rewinding.
Go back.
I want to hear more about the last part. The thing at the end. Except this time? Say it loud. Say it clear. Say it with hope.
Say it like it's possible. Because it is!
Say you want to work as a doctor in the prisons.
Say you want to open an art gallery.
Say you want to get married.
Say you want to be a ballerina.
Say you want to record an album.
Say you want to play basketball for a living.
Say you want to travel to the corners of the world and love on kids.
Say it LOUD. Because I hear you.
This time, look me in the eyes. Because that spark? It's really beautiful.
Reality? Reality is God places dreams in us with purpose and passion. Too often, the spark we are putting out is an idea that could spread like a forest fire to hearts that need it.
Yep. Dreams are needed.
So go ahead. Pull up a chair, sweet friends.
When you open your heart, you'll get no disappointment from me. I am incredibly flawed and learning more every day about grace.
I think deep under the responsibilities of every day life lives a God-sized dream that needs to be spoken.
Remember all those dreams. All those crazy wishes. All those seemingly impossible ideas.
They exist for a reason.
The "penny-thrown-in-the-fountain" wishes.
The birthday candle hopes.
The staring-out-the-window, half asleep daydreams.
They matter. I really believe that.
Rewind.
Pause.
Start again.
When you speak those impossible dreams, your perfect God is listening. He's listening to each word, each whisper, each silence, each spark.
What are you passionate about?
Love,
Lyss
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Alyssa.
Peace runs deep.
Because He has poured peace over me. Called me beautiful. The Spirit lives within me. So I pursue holiness, choosing gratitude.
The barbecue is fired up. Man oh man, it smells good. The kitchen smells of oil and honey. He's creating in me. Moving in me. Change lies ahead. I'm ready. I think.
When I write, I cry. Because I've been there. Cuddled in a corner with Lonely, Broken, and Alone. So I write, and I feel it. Deeply. and that's okay. Because I know the Spirit moves when I'm not afraid to love, not afraid to rest in His perfect love for me. I'm not afraid to do my best or afraid that I'll run dry. I'm not lazy.
I run. and it makes me happy. I smile in the wind, and catching my breath takes less time each and every day. I love it when my body feels strong.
I'm not good at sewing and I can't put together a scrapbook. But I've got words. I've got stories. I've got a voice. I've got love. and they are good gifts. because they're God-breathed. So to Him be all the glory.
No use comparing any longer. No use being unkind. No use being jealous. No use taking advantage. It's no use being worried I'll be forgotten or misunderstood.
For my security, my perfect hope, is in one well-placed fear.
So I stop and sing it as much as I can: Abba. Papa. Father. My fear is only with You.
I trust You.
Because He has poured peace over me. Called me beautiful. The Spirit lives within me. So I pursue holiness, choosing gratitude.
The barbecue is fired up. Man oh man, it smells good. The kitchen smells of oil and honey. He's creating in me. Moving in me. Change lies ahead. I'm ready. I think.
When I write, I cry. Because I've been there. Cuddled in a corner with Lonely, Broken, and Alone. So I write, and I feel it. Deeply. and that's okay. Because I know the Spirit moves when I'm not afraid to love, not afraid to rest in His perfect love for me. I'm not afraid to do my best or afraid that I'll run dry. I'm not lazy.
I run. and it makes me happy. I smile in the wind, and catching my breath takes less time each and every day. I love it when my body feels strong.
I'm not good at sewing and I can't put together a scrapbook. But I've got words. I've got stories. I've got a voice. I've got love. and they are good gifts. because they're God-breathed. So to Him be all the glory.
No use comparing any longer. No use being unkind. No use being jealous. No use taking advantage. It's no use being worried I'll be forgotten or misunderstood.
For my security, my perfect hope, is in one well-placed fear.
So I stop and sing it as much as I can: Abba. Papa. Father. My fear is only with You.
I trust You.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Not Losing Hope.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Nausea.
Nervousness.
Loss of appetite.
A need for a mother, a father.
Reconsidering my worth.
My sanity.
Claustrophobic.
Irrational?
Rational.
Hopeless.
Defeated.
Shame.
A year ago today, I sat in a gym and learned about the horror of sex trafficking. Today, I tried to put myself in one girl's shoes. Taken from my family, forced to relinquish control of my body and question its perfect design.
Perhaps the list of words above are just a small piece of what each young girl is feeling. Or perhaps there is no feeling at all, and emotion has been replaced by a cold indifference.
I.don't.know.
But I care. A lot. My heart cares so deeply for these girls. I care about their physical state and their emotional scars. I care about the food they are fed and the shame that plagues their eyes. I care.
But in my heart of hearts, I care most deeply about their souls. Each and every one of them.
See, weakness is a hard thing for me. I'm not talking about trivial weaknesses. I'm talking about the weaknesses that bring me to my knees; weaknesses that make me catch my breath and afford me no other alternative but to simply pray.
Could those type of weaknesses possibly bring strength?
Furthermore, the situations I am placed in are FAR from what each of these girls are enduring each and every second of each and every day.
Could HER weaknesses truly bring strength?
The answer: YES. Absolutely yes.
For when we are weak, deeply conscious of our weaknesses, then the strength of Christ rests upon us.
Friends, that's what each of us is here for: to be clay in His hands.
Sweet girls,
I am praying for you today. Praying that your soul, your heart, your life would be completely dependent on HIM so that you begin to rest in the knowledge that you are never, ever alone. I am praying that you will know that your story is beautiful. and God wants to use it for His glory. May you become dead to your own fears, and instead fill up your life with His power, which is made perfect in your weakness. You can be a tool which is used to make Christ's power perfect. Not by anything you have done or will do, but only by becoming an available vessel through which His power can flow right through you and into someone else's life. So that your pain can bring them their knees before their amazing Creator. So they too will be made weak and be used as such an incredible instrument of the Lord's divine power. And the cycle never ends. God will use this pain, beautiful people. I pray that you will remember this on the days you are defeated, on the night's when rescue seems hopeless. I pray that the relentless love of the Lord will ease your fear and capture your heart forever. It's okay to be weak, girls. Because He is strong. And when you are weak, you are strong in Him. There's no better place to be than that. You are loved. Incredibly, perfectly, deeply loved. I believe that God is dreaming big dreams for your lives.
"The sweat shall be wiped off your brows, the day of cooling and refreshing shall come, and you shall sit down forever under My shadow." (Acts 3:19; Hebrews 4:9)
"For the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne shall feed you, and lead you to the living fountains of water". (Revelation 7:17)
"The tears shall be wiped away from your eyes, and there shall be no more sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away, and, behold, I make all things new." (Revelation 21:4-5)
"I will change Marah into Naomi, the cup of sorrow into the cup of salvation; and the bread and water of affliction I will change into the wine of eternal consolation." (John 16:20-22; Luke 6:21)
"You shall take down your harps from the willows, and I will turn your tears into pearls, and your penitential psalms into songs of deliverance. You shall change your Ichabods into hosannas, and your laments of sorrow into hallelujahs of joy." (Revelation 19:1, 4, 6)
Not losing hope,
Lyss
Fear.
Nausea.
Nervousness.
Loss of appetite.
A need for a mother, a father.
Reconsidering my worth.
My sanity.
Claustrophobic.
Irrational?
Rational.
Hopeless.
Defeated.
Shame.
A year ago today, I sat in a gym and learned about the horror of sex trafficking. Today, I tried to put myself in one girl's shoes. Taken from my family, forced to relinquish control of my body and question its perfect design.
Perhaps the list of words above are just a small piece of what each young girl is feeling. Or perhaps there is no feeling at all, and emotion has been replaced by a cold indifference.
I.don't.know.
But I care. A lot. My heart cares so deeply for these girls. I care about their physical state and their emotional scars. I care about the food they are fed and the shame that plagues their eyes. I care.
But in my heart of hearts, I care most deeply about their souls. Each and every one of them.
See, weakness is a hard thing for me. I'm not talking about trivial weaknesses. I'm talking about the weaknesses that bring me to my knees; weaknesses that make me catch my breath and afford me no other alternative but to simply pray.
Could those type of weaknesses possibly bring strength?
Furthermore, the situations I am placed in are FAR from what each of these girls are enduring each and every second of each and every day.
Could HER weaknesses truly bring strength?
The answer: YES. Absolutely yes.
For when we are weak, deeply conscious of our weaknesses, then the strength of Christ rests upon us.
Friends, that's what each of us is here for: to be clay in His hands.
Sweet girls,
I am praying for you today. Praying that your soul, your heart, your life would be completely dependent on HIM so that you begin to rest in the knowledge that you are never, ever alone. I am praying that you will know that your story is beautiful. and God wants to use it for His glory. May you become dead to your own fears, and instead fill up your life with His power, which is made perfect in your weakness. You can be a tool which is used to make Christ's power perfect. Not by anything you have done or will do, but only by becoming an available vessel through which His power can flow right through you and into someone else's life. So that your pain can bring them their knees before their amazing Creator. So they too will be made weak and be used as such an incredible instrument of the Lord's divine power. And the cycle never ends. God will use this pain, beautiful people. I pray that you will remember this on the days you are defeated, on the night's when rescue seems hopeless. I pray that the relentless love of the Lord will ease your fear and capture your heart forever. It's okay to be weak, girls. Because He is strong. And when you are weak, you are strong in Him. There's no better place to be than that. You are loved. Incredibly, perfectly, deeply loved. I believe that God is dreaming big dreams for your lives.
"The sweat shall be wiped off your brows, the day of cooling and refreshing shall come, and you shall sit down forever under My shadow." (Acts 3:19; Hebrews 4:9)
"For the Lamb who is in the midst of the throne shall feed you, and lead you to the living fountains of water". (Revelation 7:17)
"The tears shall be wiped away from your eyes, and there shall be no more sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away, and, behold, I make all things new." (Revelation 21:4-5)
"I will change Marah into Naomi, the cup of sorrow into the cup of salvation; and the bread and water of affliction I will change into the wine of eternal consolation." (John 16:20-22; Luke 6:21)
"You shall take down your harps from the willows, and I will turn your tears into pearls, and your penitential psalms into songs of deliverance. You shall change your Ichabods into hosannas, and your laments of sorrow into hallelujahs of joy." (Revelation 19:1, 4, 6)
Not losing hope,
Lyss
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