God > Me.

I'm going back to school.

Yep.

You read that correctly. For those of you rubbing your temples in confusion and quite possibly mouthing the words, "man, that girl is ALL over the place. She needs to get it together"... I don't blame you. From the outside looking in, I can imagine that my life the past year looks like a jumbled, chaotic mess.

I'm going to level with you here: It has been.

It's been a little jumbled, a little chaotic, and a whole lot of messy.

But my amazing God has been stable and steadfast the whole.entire.time.

And it's for His glory, and His alone, that I'll share with you my heart behind this change. Just going to warn you now, this might be a long one :)

Here's a little background. Almost a year ago, I moved to Sacramento. Without getting into a whole bunch of detail, it was a really hard season. I don't think I realized how hard it was until I was out and able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was just swimming and swimming trying to keep my head above water. About six months into moving, I took a trip to LA. I spent the week with one of my dearest childhood friends and her roommate. We explored, laughed, learned, ate, even argued a bit. It was refreshing. That's the best way I can describe it. That week changed my life. It was there in the confines of a little dorm room that I decided not to go back to school. I was excited. I felt peace. I was free. Then back to Sacramento it was. I had a few more months of school, then I got to go home. Oh, I was excited. Though there were voices of concern (which I so appreciated/appreciate) and MANY glances of disgust, I had a solid support system and knew that the choice not to go back to school was a good one.

I thought this was definite. No more school. Forever. Done. Gone. Away.

But I was wrong =] God just chose to take me away from school for a season to teach me some really important lessons.

See, this break from school? SO not a mistake. I do NOT look at this semester and say, "what a waste!" At.All. There are experiences, opportunities, and PEOPLE that are in my life that wouldn't be a part of me if not for these past few months. My first year and a half of school wasn't a mistake, and neither is this season.

See, the stark reality in this season revealed so much truth to me. The first of which was this: the idol must go. For me, that idol was school. My education. My GPA. Blurry lines between dreams, reality, promises, and faith created countless opportunities for confusion. But in the dark of my room just a few weeks ago, I knew: the demands I was placing on myself were too much.

My heart made demands from my Jesus who gave me the promise. But rather than seeking Him, I sought to promise. Promise exceptional grades and a nursing degree by the time I was 22. Promise awards and certificates and supreme focus. All of which are amazing, incredible things. But those promises became idols.

When would all of this happen? How would it all happen? Why are certain things happening the way they are? What is going ON?!

Yet in all the questioning, I forgot who had given me the ability to learn in the first place.

Demanding that my idea of a picture perfect life be fulfilled, I bypassed the most important questions of all: Who is the faithful One? Who is the God of Promise? Who is the One you are seeking with all your heart, mind, and strength?

I was seeking blessing, rather than One who bestows blessing. I was focused on earthly promises that I had conjured up in my academically minded brain... instead of focusing on the one living God who is forever faithful.

So this semester? This semester apart from school has been devoted to laying it down. Laying down the idol of education. Though it takes time to break unhealthy patterns, and I will continue to pray against this as I enter back into the madness, the disciple required will now reap humility and peace in the future.

An idol does nothing but weigh us down.

"The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy." John 10:10

An idol kills focus, steals life, and hinders sight for seeing God's heart. So in laying down the idol, running the opposite direction, and focusing on my God who gives all good things, I was able to put things in their proper perspective.

I didn't finish John 10:10. The rest of the verse states... "I come that they might have life and have it more abundantly."

AMAZING. I can steal, kill, and destroy. Or I can have abundant life.

The choice was easy. I layed down the idol that kept my life from living fully in the latter option.

This season has carried quite a lot of discipline. And not all of it has been enjoyable- it has been incredibly painful, at times.

I felt raw. Exposed. I couldn't hide anymore. So I was forced to read back through incredible years of my life story and see just how perfectly I have been covered with the Father's love. His grace. His protection. I was stripped from my place of comfort in order to be led closer to Him. Deeper into His heart, to know Him more fully.

And now my eyes have seen. Under His covering and the space apart from school, I have grown. I never stopped growing. I am able to see that my God is GOOD, and He wants only the absolute best for me. He loves me (and you) way too much to give me less than I need. With eyes open wide and heart surrendered, I am trusting that there will be a harvest of miraculous beauty through the life He creates.

I still feel that vulnerability of an exposed spirit. But I say with complete honesty that I want nothing more than for Jesus to do what He wills with my life.

I prayed that prayer a few weeks ago. In a new way. Almost desperate for direction in the restlessness.

And I believe (after much prayer!) that the direction He's leading is BACK to school. But with a completely (and I do mean COMPLETELY) different mindset.

No longer do I want to adorn myself with things that are comfortable. No longer hiding from who He has called me to be. I have a deep, deep longing for Him to burn, to sear His love right through the deepest parts of my soul, and let nothing stand in the way of the life that is spoken into me.

I am resting in His arms, trusting that He has a grand purpose and plan in everything (even the messy and chaotic!). I am choosing to lay down worry, and receive His peace. I'm letting go of the worth I found in education and have been clinging to so tightly, trusting that a degree will come with lots of hard work and determination, not the abandonment of my identity. I'm letting go of unrealistic expectations, and I'm choosing to rest in grace.

I'm basking it it. Bathing it in. Diving in it. Dancing in it. I just might jump and splash in it, too.

And then, when I find myself so exhausted, and needing a nap, I'm going to take it. and when I wake up, I'm going to remind myself not to take myself so seriously.

Because His grace is big enough to make beautiful, perfect purpose out of everything.

I took a step in faith and decided not to go back to school.

Now?

Now I'm taking a step of faith to dive back in.

I'm nervous, excited, and willing. Oh so willing.

Thankful that my messy is God's beautiful.

Love to you, in whatever season you're in,
Lyss