not the crazy cat lady.

Everyone and their brother's cousin's mother is getting married. Everywhere I turn there are new wedding pictures, a new engagement announcement, or talk of venues and catering and bridesmaid dresses. 
I've worn the dress, carried the bouquet, and donned the updo. As a bridesmaid, that is. I've been a part of the tearful moments in planning, and I've gotten writer's cramp from penning out place cards and invitations. My hands have literally been stuck together by glue and cornstarch while making white yarn balloons, and I've gasped in wonderment during the bride's dress fittings. I've seen the sparkle in their eyes, and I've cried during the first dance. I've given a toast. and once, I even tripped into the wedding reception. (it's true, folks. It's on video).
I've done it. 
And man oh man, I've loved it. 
One of my dearest best friends, Emma, is newly engaged and on cloud nine. A crazy, perfect, "it's-about-time" announcement of upcoming wedded bliss. I remember so distinctly dreamy discussions about love and rings and a lifetime of love... and it all seemed so far away. We were just in high school. And now I can't imagine her sweet self NOT engaged. It just seems so right. 
She's not the first best friend to get married. and she certainly won't be the last. But there is something uniquely different in my heart about her friendship and her marriage.
... and you might be surprised when I tell you it's gladness. 
That's all. Just gladness. 
For every friend, especially Caitlin who I walked so closely with in her season of wedding preparation, there has been a stab in my heart. While I was so genuinely excited and sharing in her joy and gratefulness... I knew. There was a knowledge that things were changing and I was not only powerless to keep them from changing, but I was also powerless in joining along in their adventure. It was just me still. It IS just me still. Now as friend after friend gets married, has a baby, buys a home, struggles through finances, plants a garden, settles down... I've closely watched their tribes drift down the beautiful river of life and bountifully flourish as they grow and learn. 
I spend most of my mornings alone, sipping tea and writing. I go to school nine months out of the year every day, and I spend my evenings doing whatever I want. The thought of having to wrestle over the stolen covers or inquire about the whereabouts of the pacifier doesn't even occur to me. The only discussions about birth control are hypothetical and shrugged off. My life, I know, is easy. It's enviable at times, I'm sure, by my white-dress wearing friends. 
I've envied their lives too. Trust me. There's something about stability, deep love, marrying your best friend, raising kids, planting that garden, even arguing about finances... that is just so beautiful to me. Life together, alongside someone. That's beautiful to me. I want that. I do. 


But not at the expense of gladness. 

I've been surprised at how easy the gladness has been for me this time around. How every time I think about sweet Emma and her perfect-for-her fiance Nick, I just smile. I can't even help it. Every cheesy instagram post, and every piece of the puzzle that falls into place... it just brings me joy. I am reveling in her happiness. 
and to be honest, I find myself sitting back slightly in awe at how easy it's been to genuinely feel that.  I really mean that: surprised. I sometimes want to pinch myself, ask myself if I'm sure it'll stick. Because the change and the newness and the shifting of seasons? It still lies ahead. But let me assure you, it'll stick. and here's how I know: 
Singleness doesn't scare me anymore. Oh, it's not a state I relish or dream about being my life-portion. By ANY MEANS. It's not something I think will be the most fun, most selfless, most adventurous way of life. It's not something I don't think about when I'm alone and feeling it rather acutely. I just mean it doesn't scare me anymore. 
See, the thing is: we have settled into a comfortable routine, singleness and me. I hope that routine never turns me into the crazy, anti-social cat lady down the street (ha!). Instead, I hope and pray it turns me into a passionate, joy-filled, adventurous single person, one who is filled with gladness with every physical representation of Christ and His bride. I hope that the boldness and confidence of my singleness pushes me to productivity and points straight to Jesus. I hope it shouts the gospel. I hope it opens doors to radical and impossible tasks built just for me. I hope that I, like Paul said about the single woman in 1 Corinthians 7, would be devoted to the things of the Lord. That my highest goal would be to please Him. 
For this will make me the most glad. 
Congratulations on your engagement, Nick and Emma. And Matt and Bec. And Josh and Shales. and Jon and Maeghan.  
... and Congratulations to our dear Genevieve who is now Mrs. Hartman! Man, we all love you. 
There's lots of love in the air. 
And I couldn't be more thrilled.