Ahab. Hesed.

There is a book. It's called Knowing God by Name. It's written by Mary Kassian, and it has sat on the end table at work for months. Months and months and months. and I stared at its cover week after week, day after day... and I didn't give it much thought.

Until one day I did. I picked up the book, and I began to read through its pages.

And man oh man, it is so so good.

I'm a nineteen year old. A woman. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A nanny.

... and sometimes? I feel invisible.

When I change what seems to be the twelfth diaper in the last hour, and the three year old is screaming for apple juice in the next room, no one is looking. When I tuck the sweet souls into bed and just take a few moments to listen to them breathe, no one watches. Everywhere I go, I'm passed by packs of young women, beautiful young women, and I somehow feel ashamed. Embarrassed in my yoga pants and sweatshirt.

I'm just a part of the crowd. A really small fish in a really big sea.

Really, I mean really. Who desires me?

What could I possibly have to offer? I'm just another teenage girl. Just another nineteen year old struggling to get through work and chores and life... and soon to be school!

What could I possibly have to offer to the church? to the government? to profesors? to leaders? to our culture? to my peers? my family?

It is SO easy to feel dismissed.

Because of age. gender. weight. nationality. values. choices. appearance. The list, I'm sure, could go on and on.

The eyes of the world just slide right over. slip right past. there's not much to offer here. nothing worthy of desire.

By the grace of God and His incredible Sovereignty in all things, He allowed my employer's to buy Mary's book and leave it sitting out on the table. So I picked it up.

and I was introduced to two words: ahab and hesed.

and I have grown to seriously love these words.

When I think about the love of God... which is a lot... my mind naturally dwells on the hesed love. The love that is rooted deeply in God's character. This is a steadfast, loyal, covenant love. This love is kind. It's tender. It's merciful. This love is not dependent on my ability or desire to love back. It's completely unconditional. It is constant.

This love is faithful.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10.

This love? It's huge, colossal even, in my life. When the mountains are high and the tide rushes in, this hesed love, in it's very nature... has held me steadfast and firm. It's foundational. Steady. It's love that is perfectly faithful when I prove to be nothing but.

God is love. He will always be love. It's the air I breathe, the truth I rest in.

However, my nature is to question. to doubt. to deny.

Well... wait a minute, God. If you love everyone, then why is that special? By nature, you are perfect. You have no other way to love. It has to be a faithful, unending love. Because You're God. 

I know that with a sinful nature, it's so easy to grumble and complain in the mundane. It's so easy to watch my heart, my eyes, my ears... become insensitive to the deep rooted love that lies beneath the chores and to-do lists.

THAT is precisely why I LOVE another word for the love of God. It's used in the Old Testament often.

Ahab.

Delight, desire, inclination.

Ahab.

Tonight, my prayer is that my worth would not be found in places other than the heart of God. That the opinions, desires, and attention of others would not be grounds for my identity. I love this truth. The truth that God desires me. and He loves me with that desire. He is inclined towards me. He delights in me.

I read in a commentary (though I don't remember where or I would give adequate credit) that it's like staying married because you know divorce is wrong. You know it's sin. You don't believe in it. You want to protect the kids.
Or staying married because you're wildly, passionately in love with your spouse. You still laugh at each other's lame jokes, and kisses make you weak in the knees.

Ahab.

Relationship. Details. Delight.

Ahab is so perfectly connected to the covenant faithfulness of hesed.

and they carry me. Hesed is my deep rooted foundation, my rock. and ahab. Ahab is the breath. the sweet scent. the refreshing water.

And they're both for me. for you. for us.

I've known the hesed love of God my whole life. I've memorized the verses, and sang the songs.

But I love that I'm slowly learning more and more about His ahab love for me, too.

I am known. I am seen.

The covenant and the desire are walking hand in hand.

I am loved.

Not by anything I have done or will ever do.

Not because God has to love me... or because it's required.

Not just because it's His perfect nature and His beautiful character.

No.

He chose me. I am loved by choice. With incredible desire. and intention. and beauty.

and I'm feeling its abundance tonight.

Ahab. Hesed.

Love.

Alyssa